A Quick Detour

So today, it seems I have a bit of a detour on my original planned out day. But, it is a detour with a nice view. Ha. It seems I forgot one of my friends from our rival high school, oh no, invited me to her New Years party as well! Thankfully, her's starts an hour before Dan's party does, so Eric and I are going to go to her party for an hour and then party hop over to Dan's, while also stopping by my house to pick up Elle for Dan's party. I guess she'll either sit on Eric's lap, or I'll have to drop Eric off at Dan's first, since my car only has one extra seat. Yay for two seats!

I'm sure it will be fun! I predict Eric and I will be the "weird kids from KIHS" at her party. Eric predicts we will be the "rediculously good-looking guys from KIHS". I laugh at that thought.

To Celebrate

So for the past few days I've been waking up, getting ready for the day, and then going to work until 10 PM. Such a fulfilling day. Afterwards I'll hang with Eric, Dan, or whoever else just happens to be at Eric's house until 2 AM. Then I just come on home, fall asleep, and start all over. Thankfully, today is the last day I work for the rest of the week. I wish I didn't have to work at a damn Dunkin' Donuts. I really want to work retail, or really, anything in the mall. Basically, not with food. Except maybe waitering. Ha.

I'm hoping to work with Bonnie over the summer, if I can get a job at the Veggie Stand with her.

Now, tomorrow is Dan's New Years party. I think I'm going early to help set up. Or in the very least, make a music playlist. God knows I have enough techno/club mixes to help with that. Haha. It should be fun...and interesting to say the least. A bunch of people, expected and unexpected, are staying the night, so yet again, I'll be thrown out of my comfort zone. Good. I need more of that! I love a challenge.

To celebrate a beginning of a New Year; This year, to celebrate the beginning of both a New Year and the starting of a new Life.

Rave to the Grave

I just raved by myself in my room for a good two hours. I have no clue what brought it on. I just felt the urge to rave. So, I whipped out my two glow sticks, my strobe light, and turned up the techno/club mixes I have and just...raved. It released a lot of stress I had. It gave me a serene feeling. I don't know. At first I felt like a complete moron, but eventually I got caught up in the music and I didn't care. Then I started to enjoy myself.

I'm so incredibly tired now.

And now I'm even more so excited for Otakon! I want to rave there! I want to just get lost in the music and the crowd of people. And I want some damn rave goggles! They are so cool. Haha.



My whole body is sore. Sucks.

Happiness Falling

I helped him make his choice. I told him to go for the other guy. It was a logical choice. Emotions aside (as I prefer it), it was a choice that I support. We'll still be friends. We better be! I won't forgive him ever if we don't stay as friends. Haha.

The pieces will fall where they may in the end. And who knows what will connect, and what the pieces will form in the end?


Exciting to think about it, no?

Train Rides and A Heart in the Shape of a Question Mark

I think today's post will end up being a two-parter....

Christmas. A checkpoint for every year. I use this year to remind me how different every year is from the next. This one is especially different though. Last year, it was chaotic this time of year. My parents were just separating, fighting was abundant in the family, and no one got along with one another. Throughout the year, it was no less chaotic. I felt like I was leaving one life and entering another. Hopping off of one train, only about to board the next. Crazy as this year was, I would not have asked it to be any other way. Amid the chaos, life lessons, new outlooks, new friends, and a better life was found. Relationships have bettered, others have soured (though those ones weren't worth saving), and new ones have developed.

And now, this year, I'm yet again stepping off of one train, and right now, as I type, I'm walking down the platform getting ready to board the next.

Though the platform may be long, it is shorter than it may seem, and the train ride will be even shorter once I have boarded it.


I confuse myself. I tell myself that I don't care and that it doesn't phase me. But, I guess deep down, it does...a lot. I woke up at 3 A.M. this morning and saw that I had a text from him. It was incredibly unexpected. And he was saddened that I hadn't tried to text him. At first, I was pissed. I mean...seriously?! I had been the one who texted first, who called first, who always tried to start a conversation. While he never texted first, said he "tried" to call (but I never had any missed calls or anything of the sort), and when I did text and tried to talk, I'd get only one reply back. Nothing close to a "conversation" or anything of that sort. Of course, me being myself, I couldn't bring myself to be mean and just release it all when he said, "We need to talk more." I wanted to just say, "NO SHIT. But, you do realize, it takes two to have a conversation, no?" But, I didn't. I couldn't. Damn my personality. I just stated that was he said was true, and that I tried to talk to him, but I wouldn't get much of a reply, so I just gave up trying.
I did realize that the hand which I left for them to grasp had been taken a hold of. Or, at least, if they haven't grasped it yet, they are starting to walk towards it. An effort. That is all I can ask for right now. Not much else. And I appreciate the effort. Sometimes, I feel like I wear my heart on my sleeve; it is easy for others to see, but it is also easy for them to wipe away.

Ironically, I wouldn't want it any other way.

Enveloping Darkness

It seems everyone around you notices what you are doing, except for yourself, the one who really needs to. You are blinded by some force, unknown to everyone else. They can't help solve a problem if they don't know what is causing it. Only you can now solve it, as you are the only one who really knows what is at the root of this developing problem.

Sad, really, because people are being driven away. Ironically, those two seem to be the two who you said were some of the most important people to you. I wonder now, how do you treat those who are unimportant to you?

Now, I'm going to predict that tomorrow I'll end up posting again, as it is Christmas. But, it won't be some cliche "Merry Christmas!!!!" shit.


Holidays have never had good standing in my eyes.

Epiphany

Working at a place where no one tends to come can be boring, but it can also be a great time to think. An epiphany: a sudden moment of realization. One occurred today while I was at work, talking to a friend. I realized, though I may have been "chosen", to what gain does that grant me? None. Yes, it may be nice to have been, but in actuality, was I really? No. I don't think so. I have been shunned in a sense. I barely am talked to by him anymore. Thankfully, I decided to keep my options open and not become too attached. I doubted from the beginning that anything meaningful would come out of this, and as it seems, my doubts proved true. So, maybe I will slowly start to let go.

Actually, no. I will not maybe start to let go, but I will start to let go. I will though, keep my hand extended as I move away, to give them a chance to lean forward and grab it and hold on. But will that happen? We will just have to see.


Half the school year has passed already. Only another half left. I couldn't be anymore excited.

Lets Clear the Air

Yesterday was a great day, as it allowed me to get my mind off of things and to just have fun.

Though the party maybe have been a bit boring, my epic pwning in Brawl and the pizza rolls helped me through it. Though she may have been hanging all over me the whole time, only to distract herself from him and his confusing actions, it still got a bit annoying. I didn't want to say anything though because she is in pain, mentally, and I didn't want to not be there for her. Especially if he leads her on in private, and then shuns her in public.

Yet...she is still convinced he loves her. Naive. Naive. Naive. If he loved you, would he really put you through all of this pain and confusion? I think not. If she could only open her eyes, or allow others to open it for her, then maybe, just maybe, everything would get better for her. If only.

Now I work both today and tomorrow from 4 pm to 10 pm. Six hours. Thank god I'm working with Mir. Working with him makes the day go by faster, because he and I can make each other laugh so easily and just have fun while working. I used to hate working with a passion, but lately, not so much. Probably because Dunkin' Donuts' management as actually improved and made it a lot easier on its employees. Still. Not being able to do things can suck at point.



The freedom my mind has experienced over the past day has been great. Clarity is so taken for granted.

The Sun Shining After a Rainy Day

He chose me! It...surprises me. I mean...ME! Who chooses me?! No one. But...he has! He has! HE HAS!

I had lost all hope. I thought, "For sure he must go for the other. The other is much closer. It would only make sense." But it seems to be true. Nothing in life ever makes sense! I love it that way! Oh, I am so full of joy!

I did give him permission though, to use the other for the physical needs that he desires though since I am not there to hold his hand, kiss him, or hold him in my arms. To me, it makes sense. Maybe not to others, but to me, it does. It doesn't anger me, or depress me. It is the logical thing to do in my eyes because I know that he isn't with the other because he loves him, but only because I am not there. In the end, he still loves me.

It is like the Japanese. I saw on a TV documentary one time, that if a man cheats on his wife in a marriage, it is alright. But, only on certain conditions. The man must only be with the other woman for physical reasons. If that is all, then it is ok. But as soon as the man starts to fall in love with the other woman, then it is crossing the line and it becomes looked down upon.


Those Japanese. How come I feel like I think a lot alike them?

Two

I knew a couple,
Half of gloom, the other of joy.
Each morning they sat in their kitchen.
The old man dressed with a black jacket,
The old woman dressed with a white blouse.
The old man grumbled,
The old woman gave thanks.
The man talked to no one,
No one talked to him.
The woman talked to many,
Many talked to her.
The old man sat hunched,
Like the top of crescent moon;
The old woman sat properly,
Like a blooming rose.
They had a cup of tea,
Filled exactly half way.
The old man’s half empty,
The old woman’s half full.
One morning, the top of the crescent moon crashed
Into the sea of spiced water before it.
The bells moved up and down,
Lives kept on flowing.
The old woman continued to fill the cups;
One half empty,
The other half full.
The woman died soon,
Of a broken heart.
The bells moved up and down,
Lives stopped and mourned.
The sky, clear as diamonds,
Let down a small shower.
The Earth mourned;
The People mourned.
I looked upon these deaths and saw
The two different lives each led.
Now, I look at life as I fix my gray tie, in one way,
Is the cup half empty, or half full?

The Bleak and the Vibrant

As much as I prepared myself for this, it still hurts. I knew they would find someone else. I told them I was prepared for it. They say they wouldn't. That they wouldn't look. I knew that was a lie. Just from talking, I knew it wouldn't be true. And it was proved true.

But, in the end, I view this an opportunity to grow. From the most bleak situations, the most colorful and vibrant lessons can be learned, or qualities can be gained.

I have to realize that I really liked having someone to talk to, and to make me feel good. But, a part of me didn't want to have the term "boyfriend" attached to me. I didn't want to be another person's "boyfriend". Not after my last. That hurt too much. And now, I let myself grow closer.

Tonight, once they call me, I will see how that goes. Will they choose me, or will they choose him? My brain says "Me", but my heart says, "Them". I know that my heart speaks the truth. It is best for them to choose the other. I want them to choose the other. It is best for them; what is best for me doesn't matter right now, as I am fine being alone and independent. I don't need another person to be happy. They on the other hand, really want a person there for them. I'm glad they found it.



I really am.

Two Outlooks

As the day went by, it got better and better. Less worries on my mind. Less stress on my mind. More room for the intake of relaxation.

I walked in the rain for a two good hours. I've never noticed the simple beauties. The fog that covers the rivers, the geese that flew in circles, the rain droplets that barely hung upon the trees, and how great the water felt running down my face. It allowed me to open up and release all that was inside building up. As I walked, I looked at the sky and just started to laugh. Laugh for what reason, I do not know. I just...laughed. Laughed long and hard. It felt great, though I can only imagine what a passerby might have thought, driving by and seeing a soaked teenager boy laughing at the sky.

I thought and thought. I even made up a grand idea for a short story or a poem. Maybe I will put it on paper one day. Who knows?

I talked to him today, and his words made me so happy. His reassurance. Just to know that he cares that much, and thinks about me in such a way - nothing could have made me happier. I was so happy, I cared not about what happened the rest of the day. I looked decent, but not my best. But that was alright, I was happy.




Now, I head off to bed with only one thought running through my head.


Is the cup half empty, is the cup half full?

The Bittersweet Feeling

I wake up and seem to discover that it is a rainy day out today. Lovely. My favorite kind of day in this world. The rain makes me feel so happy.

Just the feel of it as it descends upon you, as it hits your skin, and the bittersweet feeling of the cold water as it pours over you.

I love these days. They seem to always be the best days for me. They always cheer me up no matter what the circumstances.



Now I ask myself this, 'Shall I go for a walk out in the rain today?'


Why yes, yes I think I shall.

In Need of Warmth

I will do that one day.

I will be the one in the snow, kissing their loved one and gaining warmth from my other.

I want it so badly. I'm such a romantic. Sadly, that can suck a lot. But, at the same time, it rocks a lot.

Damn. I want to go off to college, then just have college go by so fast so that I can go live on my own and live with my other.



I will do that one day.

What Is This?

What is this?

I don't get jealous. I don't get worried. I don't feel worry that they may be going after someone else. But, yet, I find myself feeling all of those.


What is this?


This is not me.

Is It?

Can you fall for someone whom you haven't even met? Does it makes sense? I don't know. To be so far from a person, but feel so close at the same time. It is almost like a tragic play, like a tease at pure happiness that you wish for so much and can see in your sights and yet...cannot quite grasp. I feel as though I am that child that is looking in on that puppy in the window.

The child sees the puppy, wants the puppy, wishes so hard for the puppy, and yet, that glass is there severing the chance of attaining it. The child comes back so frequently to look at that puppy, a bond is created, an attachment if you will. The two become so close, but they have never really physically been close to one another. But both know that they want that physical connection so badly. The only independent variable is the future that awaits for these two. Will the dog get purchased and never see the boy again? Will the boy himself eventually buy the dog and get to keep him forever? Or will the two just continue on staring at one another through the glass? The future holds that answer behind its gleaming lips, locked tight, never to open and even whisper a sound.

Choose Your Path Carefully

Wandering through the forest of life is a challenge. The twists and turns never lead where you expect. You may turn left, and end up right. You may go forward, and end up further back than whence you started. Confusing. Tedious. Exciting. Life.

The only way you will ever truly get out of that forest is by making your own path. Following the streams of light that break through the canopy above can only get you so far. That light lets the truth flow in and bathe you, allowing you enough Truth to embark on your own journey. Like any good adventurer would do before embarking though, items need to be stocked up on so any encounter with the unknown can be readily faced.

But, what are those items? There is no specific set of items. It varies depending on the adventurer. Each adventurer has a different path they will follow, and along that path, different obstacles that must be overcome. But, some essentials could be suggested for every adventurer to hold tight and dear to them.

Attitude. One item that can be the determining factor if an adventurer survives the journey or not. If an adventurer has a negative attitude, their path will be filled with negative obstacles, negative events, and above all, a negative aura. The opposite can be said for those adventurers who are lucky enough to have obtained a positive attitude. They look at the positives in life, and thus, the positives come to them. Their path will inevitably be much more positive.

Equipment. The weapons, the defense, and the potions that the adventurer outfits themselves with. If an adventurer heads out on a path that is much to dangerous for them, and their equipment is much too weak to help them survive, they won't last long. Each adventurer needs to realize the strengths and weaknesses their chosen equipment lays upon them, and use those to their advantage. They need to realize what they can handle, and what they can't. Without the proper equipment, the proper path cannot be taken. The adventurer will be lost in the forest riddled with Truth.

Friends. The most important asset to any adventurer. As they follow their path, that path the adventurer is following will cross with other paths. How those paths affect one another is up to the two adventurers. Will it be a positive or negative affect? Will those paths be connected forever, or will one path end the path of the other? Who can say with complete certainty. Only the Truth straining to break through the canopy can really say, but it is only able to give hints through those leaves. Friends can help overcome the obstacles on your paths, or they can become the obstacles themselves. A risky business, friends are, but one of the most profitable if cared for.


Will you come out of the forest unscathed, or will you be lost in this forest sprinkled with Truth forever?