Increasing the Opacity on that Facade

So it seems Josh wasn't cracked up to be all he said. He had a facade. He covered his true thoughts and feelings to make it seem like he was being honest to me, while not being so. I think I saw this, but refused to admit to it.

After all of the shit he has done, I remained okay. I didn't really care enough to be angry over things. But, the Valentine's Day gifts that I sent were another. I really put effort into to trying to make them special. Really. I did.

Now I find out that Josh felt bad about them because they were from me and not his ex Drew. A-hole. A-hole. A-hole. Well, that is cool.

I'm angry. But I will be over it tomorrow.


I did realize a few things though.

One: I don't want to talk to him anymore.

Two: I am glad I did talk with him though, because now I'm really good friends with his friend Amanda. She is so awesome.

Covering

Covering: The Hidden Assault on Our Civil Rights. Now that the reading of The Portrait of a Lady has concluded, I have started to read my latest find on Amazon. This book has enthralled me, and yet, I am only a meager thirty pages in.

The book's main subject is about American's civil rights and how they are being suppressed. Individuals need to suppress their true selves so that they can fit into the "mainstream" of society.

They "cover" their true selves.

This book makes me think about myself, my experiences, my thoughts about different situations. I can relate to this book; I had since page one. It drew me in and isn't letting go, partly because I don't want it to.

It inspires; it reveals truths; it encourages.


I love it. If you ever need a book to read, pick this up. Definitely worth it.

Resolve

I don't understand what you think. Your resolve wavers, and that makes my belief in you waver as well.

I think you deny things to yourself, as those around you can see things that you apparently do not. Honestly, it does nothing but make me feel cruddy inside.


But, now that that is off my chest, I can be happy again.



Life is too short to focus on the bad. Focus on the good. Life will seem longer and more pleasant that way.

An Unfamiliar, Yet Familiar, Scent

Yesterday was great. Valentine's Day. Usually, in my opinion, one of the most useless, if not depressing, holidays humans could whip up. But this year was different. Amanda, Josh, Dan, Eric, and I all sat down together on the web cam and opened the boxes we shipped to one another.

Though the gifts I sent were meager, in my opinion, they meant a lot to me, so I hope they meant a lot to Josh. I hope with all my heart he really liked them. I know what he sent me meant a lot to. He sent me a plushie of L, a character from the anime Death Note, a card that I absolutely adored, and a plastic ring, which I wear every chance I have, might I add. Better yet, the L plushie was sprayed with Josh's cologne. His scent. It smelled so good.

When I first took a whiff of the doll, it was odd. The scent. It was so new, something I haven't smelled before, but at the same time, it seemed so normal to me. Like I have been around that smell before...like I was used to it. I didn't know why I felt like that, as I haven't been around that smell before...but...I think it is because it was Josh's scent that my brain smelt the scent, and triggered the thoughts of Josh and how comfortable I am talking to him, and thus made me feel comfortable with the scent...as though I was familiar with it.

And I must digress, I was also a bit jealous before and after the camera session. Josh went to breakfast with Drew and then dinner as well on Valentine's Day. I wish I could've taken Josh to dinner. I was jealous.

Oh! That actually reminds me, I have yet another quote from A Portrait of a Lady that goes along with this topic.

"Jealousy, after all, was in a sense one of the symptoms of happiness."

Initiative

So I sit here in Media, PA at my Dad's laptop wondering why I am blogging rather than doing the reading of The Portrait of a Lady. I don't know why. I guess I just want to talk about the day today, so here I go.

Philadelphia was amazing.

So today was my "Accepted Students Preview Day" today at Drexel. I wanted to meet up with everyone that I have talked to over Facebook. I did see them, and talked to a few, but events didn't play out as planned. First off, we all originally were going to sit together at lunch. So the group texted me and told me to go the first lunch (there were two different lunch times available in the itenerary) and so I did. In order to get in, you had to turn in a ticket. So I did, and as soon as I got in there, the group texted me again changing it to the second lunch. "Seriously...?" was all that went through my mind. Now I was stuck in the lunch that I couldn't meet up with everyone.

Anyways, so I stood in the cafeteria trying to figure out what to do exactly. I found the trays, grabbed one, and then stood there gazing around. A girl caught my eye who was doing the same thing as me. I walked up to her and laughed and said, "Same situation as me? Found a tray, but don't know where to go from there?" She laughed and we ended up helping one another into finding a line to get food. We talked and I found out her name was Mag (pronounced "Meg") and she was by herself. So, I invited her to sit with me. I sat and talked with her for an hour or so and then the first lunch period was over and the rest of the agenda was needed to commence.

We left the cafeteria, walked to the main hall and continued on with the day. I learned many things about the school, some was redundant and other things were new.


After this event concluded, I was surprised with myself. Why? Because I took the initiative and started a conversation with Meg. I! I! Me! I don't start conversations. Or...rather, I didn't before. But, maybe, the atmosphere caught up with me. I always told myself that I wanted to be more social in college and I guess I am becoming that. What really surprised me beyond that fact that I started the conversation was that I was able to continue it on for so long.


I loved it.




College seems like it will change me for the better.

Delightful.




Oh yeah. To quickly add on to this entry: My major in Digital Media at Drexel only accepts about 45 people a year. I was utterly shocked. I was accepted to into it! I was one out of 45! I felt so lucky. Now I just need to find financing. Ugh.

A Package of Changing Times

So Eric, Dan, and I are going to get a Valentine's Day Package together for Amanda and Josh. I have a couple of great ideas of things to put in for Josh, and I believe Dan and Eric will provide things for Amanda. It is going to be fun going shopping for the stuff tomorrow after school (and my tutoring for NHS). I wish I could reveal what I'd be getting for Josh on here, but this is online and you never know if he may stumble upon it and read it. Best not to take chances. I don't want my surprise to be ruined! Haha.

Times are changing for us all. I don't mind change. I adapt to it, even if I dislike or like the change that is occurring. It doesn't phase me. Nowadays, nothing phases me. I've grown used to life's disappoints, surprises - good or bad -, and everything else life throws at a person. I've gotten stuck in a rut that will allow me to get through the day without feeling many things. The pro, I get through the day easily and without much effort. The con, I don't get to experience life to the fullest each day. Not sure which one weighs on my conscience more. I don't care which one does either.

Ugh. I should be writing a paper, not a blog. Time to go do that.

Confusion

I don't understand.

Ok. So, it is such a bad thing to like two people? I was happy that I am talking to Josh. Of course I was! I've been talking to him since November and even if I do like him, he is a good friend. And that is all. But, apparently missing talking to a good friend and being happy that I am talking to him again makes me an asshole. I just don't get it. I really did like Jimmy. I was actually kind of hoping something would happen between us. But at the same time I wasn't. But, since I apparently used him, he hates me. Sad, yes. Incredibily. I don't regret being happy about Josh though. I will be what I will be.

I feel bad. But at the same time, shit happens. I really am emotionless. It sucks.

Tomorrow will be awkward I guess. Happy for the daggers that shall be stared at me tomorrow. Whatever.

"There ain't no sin, and there ain't no virtue. There is just things people do."