Flying High

I wish I could go anywhere, anytime. Who doesn't at one point or another though?

Josh broke up with Drew. Talks to me more now though. And I'm incredibly happy about it. I mean, I missed talking with him so much. And, the fallout of communication made me realize how much I really do like him. As that cliche, yet so true, saying goes, "You don't know what you have until it is gone." I knew I liked Josh, but I never realize how much I did until the communication became close to null. I like him much more than I've ever liked anyone before. It is nice. Now, I must say, even though the length of my four-year college is depressing, I'm also glad for the length. It allows me the time to realize what I want, gives him time to think about the same, and it allows us to still talk and get to know one another even more so. It is like, "dating" for a lengthy period. You know? I like to look at the positive in all situations.


Today, Eric and I went to the mall. As usual, I spent a lot on clothing. Thankfully, I don't do it much. I did however, see the sweatshirt I ordered online in person in Buckle. I love it! I can't wait for Monday, which is when it arrives at my home. Eric is so funny when he goes clothing shopping, and he brings me along to help him decide which "looks good" or not. I am so jealous of his awesome find! We found him an awesome jacket from Metro Park that I wish was in my size or I would've gotten it in a heartbeat. But, it looks really good on him so I'm glad he found it in his size.


Tonight, I hung out with Olivia. I haven't done that in who knows how long. At first it started with just hanging out and playing Kingdom Hearts II, and then we just paused the game and talked for a couple hours. It was nice. I should hang out with her more often.



"But I don't even know your name, so I will call you medicine.
You can ease my pain."

-Kim Leoni, Medicine

A Second Release

So, I would like to say that I shall be having a second blog in addition to this one. While this one will be a more of a "release" blog, my second blog will be for pure fun.

I plan on just posting things that I find entertaining/controversial/intriguing/etc. on it....so randomness shall ensure. Haha. Feel free to follow it, or just take a glance at it whenever you wish.

Car Rides

Today. Undescribable. Let's see, I guess I'll start from the beginning. Where else best to start, than where it would all make sense to you, the reader.

12:00 A.M. - Hanging with Dan at his house. All is good. I'm having a great time. Dan ends up going to sleep and I'm sitting there playing Fallout and then out of no where, Josh calls. I talked with him for a good hour. It was really nice. He can be very imaginative and naive in some of his ideas and wants in life, but though it can seem very unrealistic, I think it is good to have those thoughts on occasion. Without those thoughts, where would anyone be these days? You need something just so unrealistic to keep you going, so you can try to make that a reality.

Later on that day, around 12:30 PM. I headed out and went home. I had to change, and get ready to go to the Inner Harbour with Bonnie and Marcus. That was fun. A bit awkward at times, as when you talk with Marcus, you'll bring up a topic of conversation and he'll say one thing about it and that's it. Doesn't really give you much to go off of and makes the conversation drive into a ditch. Nonetheless, it was fun.

But, now, what really made this day undescribable would be the car rides. On the way to meet up with Marcus, Bonnie and I had a really good discussion about family. She opened up, I opened up. It was nice. But...I realized how much I'll miss my family. Though, who I would miss the most surprised me. My brother.

Now, why did it surprise me you may wonder. Well, I'm closer with my Mom and Elle. Luc can be really annoying, but I love him nonetheless. So I expected to miss my Mom or Elle. Of course I would miss Luc, but I didn't expect to miss him as much. But, internally, my heart told me I'd miss Luc the most. And I know why. I love him so much, and I am afraid...afraid that he will be lonely without me. I'm like his best friend. I try to be there for him when he needs me to be, and he doesn't go out much as his friends are a decent ways away. I play with him and am just...his friend. I worry that when I leave he won't be happy. And I don't want that. I want him to be happy. That is all I want. I want everyone to be happy after I leave. Maybe not when I leave, but after I'm gone, they should be happy. And god damn will I miss them. But, I don't want to leave Luc unhappy. It breaks my heart thinking about him being unhapppy due to my abscence.

Now Bonnie may not realize this, but as we drove to meet Marcus...discussing this with her...I started to cry. I don't ever cry about anything, but I feel so strongly about this that I started to tear up. I held it in thank god. And thankfully I had sunglasses on to keep everything disguised. I find it funny that I try not to allow myself to cry in front of anyone, and the one time I lose control, I ended up being able to hide it. Irony at its best?

Now, as the day concluded and I dropped Bonnie off at her house, on my drive home I couldn't not think about this. I drove him and blasted the music. Tried to do anything to get my mind off of it. I couldn't. I ended up breaking down on the way home. It is hard to drive home when it seems as though it is raining inside your car, messing with your view. But I made it home...and just sat in my driveway. I admit, I weeped for a while. I cry as I write this. But, besides that, I sat in the driveway until I was able to collect myself and wait until the redness subsided. Then I put on my happy face and pretended nothing was wrong.




As I walked up to my room and saw my brother playing on my 360 and turning to me smiling, I looked upon him with a different view than before. I smiled and acted like I usually would, but thought differently about him.






God damn. I love the kid.

The Used and The Users

Life has surprises around every corner. Personally, I hate surprises. But Life's surprises are so enjoyable, how can I hate them?

People: One of the most complex organisms, anatomy and mentally wise. Josh broke up with Drew last night, because Josh felt the "friend" connection more so than a "romantic" connection. Now, since Drew is gone, Josh calls me and talks to me and says how much he missed talking to me. Honestly, I did miss talking to him too. I allow myself to be used. Why? Because it brings me happiness. If I'm happy, then I don't doubt that being used is the bad decision. Honestly, I guess I don't see myself as being "used" per say, since both of us use one another. We talk to one another to be happy. If we use each other for happiness, and both parties are happy, what is the problem?

Now, I like another guy as well. He is cute, shorter than me (Score!), and though he can be an ass, he is funny and I like that. How much do I like him, you wonder. Now, that, I wonder as well, as I am not sure myself.

I guess I'll let Life pelt me in the face with another surprise that will hopefully feed me the answer to that.




I get to meet a lot of people I will spending my life in college with Feb. 6th. Exciting? Very. Nerve wracking? Even more so. Loving it? Always.

Optimism - My Ambition

Enough said.


In other news, another quote or two from The Portrait of a Lady for you all. Yes. More. I love them!

"You must be prepared on many occasions in life to please no one at all - not even yourself."

And the second,

"What do you call one's life?" asked Madame Merle.
"One's appearance, one's movements, one's engagements, one's society?"

"I call your life - your ambitions," said Osmond.

Crazy With It

I love this song by Shiny Toy Guns. This is my second favorite song by them (the first being "Rainy Monday"). I highlighted my favorite section of the lyrics.

Here is a link to the song if you are interested in listening.
---------------------------------------------------------

Love... feel love!

Every question
Every answer too
Ever constant
Ever changing you
It's all memory
in the sun
Or it's all in
the darkness

Maybe it's all
around to see
If we try
And maybe it's been
inside of me
All this time
Love love love
Love love love!
Love love love!


Love love love
Love love love!
Love love love!
Oooh-oooh

Crazy with it
Crazier without
Never certain
Never full of doubt
Now you feel it
Now you don't
Do you know what you're feeling

Where did it come
from and where
Does it go
If it were right
in front of me
Would I know
Love love love
Love love love!
Love love love!

Love love love
Love love love!
Love love love!

Hello Realization

Realization: I don't care what happens at Otakon between "us". If it does, it does. If it doesn't, it doesn't. If it does, I won't feel bad. If it doesn't, I won't be sad. Either way, it is fine with me.


Realization: Everyone cares more about this situation than I do...and their not even directly involved with it. Josh doesn't realize why he is pinned the "bad guy" and honestly, neither do I. I mean, yes, he is with Drew; yes, he ignores me from time to time; yes, he still likes me and all that shit. But I'm the one who told him to go for Drew, and I'm not surprised he ignores me. It may not be purposely if it because he is with his boyfriend. Sometimes, alone time away from everyone, including the phone, is good. I'd do it if I was Josh from time to time. Josh isn't the bad guy, but he isn't anywhere near being a good guy either. And neither am I in this. He is just a person doing what he will do. I can't stop that, and I wouldn't want to. He sounds happy when he talks about Drew, which makes me happy. Though, talking about Valentine's Day was awkward a bit. I want to watch some good horror/slasher/zombie/comedic romance movies that day. I want the formerly mentioned situation to just be put on hold between everyone besides Josh and I and never start again. Ha.




Hello Realization. How have you been? I missed you dearly. I'm glad you paid a visit.

A Day Full of Riches

Today has been one of the best days I've had in a while. For many reasons, not just one.

First off, I was able to hang with Bonnie. I miss hanging out with her. I had a lot of fun hanging out with her! Going to the mall just because we can, or just sitting around and doing nothing, but liking one another's company. That was always fun. Plus, whenever I hang out with her, I learn something...like that my car rear view mirror has a "night vision" mode. I was like, "NUH UH!" Now I can drive without car lights blaring into my eyes! I won't swerve at night now. Score. Kudos to Bonnie! She may have indirectly saved my life now, with enlightening me as she did. Haha.

Now, secondly, I stepped way out of my comfort zone. Bonnie and I went to the mall to meet up with Marcus, someone who I barely knew. He wanted to meet up and hang at the mall, so I was game. I was really nervous. I barely knew the guy, I become clammed up when I meet someone new, and it makes me incredibly anxious. But, thankfully Bonnie was there to help me out.

It was odd at first, because first off, I am seventeen and Marcus is twenty seven. Creeper alert? Well, yes. That is one of the reasons why Bonnie came along. But, he was actually incredibly cool. He goes to Cons, likes anime, video games, and things like I do! And he is pretty awesome, not to mention cute. Not to be racist of any sort, but I am not usually romantically attracted to black men (which Marcus is), but I found him to be cute. Now, if only he wasn't ten years older than me! Damn!

We walked around the mall, had fun, and got to know one another. I planned to only stay there for an hour, but we ended up staying there for two. That suprised me...because it meant that I lost track of time, which leads into the fact that I was enjoying myself. It was nice! He wants to hang again sometime, which I would like. He said that if Bonnie and I go to Katsucon, we are definitely invited to his hotel party. Oh my. How much fun would that be?!

Though, I must admit, even though Bonnie was late in to getting home (which I do feel bad about allowing to occur), I did enjoy that I was able to spend more time with her...even if she was late.



Oh yes. I found another quote I like from The Portrait of a Lady. I think I shall start making a book of quotes I like for myself.

"I call people rich when they are able to gratify their imagination."

Put One Foot in Front of the Other

I realize it may seem that I have my life planned out, or rather, the next decade or so. But really, I don't. I have wishes for how I want it to turn out, but really, it may not happen or it may. Either way, I adapt to it. That is how I am.

I am going to go to Drexel, major in Digital Media, minor in Japanese, and then we'll see how it goes from there. From there, I am split. I'd love to go Seattle and get a nice artist loft, or a full out apartment with a good job that I love. But, I'd also love to sign up for that program which I would go to Japan for a year to help teach English. Right now...I think I'd go with the Japan option. You live life only once, so why not do what you love and fulfill your dreams?

I live life by the day, soak it all in and the such. I like it that way. I don't focus on the depressing past, and I don't focus on the anxiety filled future. Just take one step at a time while smelling the flowers.



And I will admit, they smell quite nice.

Just a Peek

The Portrait of a Lady. A book I thought I'd despise, like many other books that I've been forced to read. Oddly, I'm glad I am being forced to read it. I really like this book. A lot of the characters have characteristics that I personally share with them. I can relate. Sadly, some of the characteristics are ones that make the story conflicted, or make some of the characters an image of pity. One character, Ralph, describes his mind as two rooms. The first being an anteroom occupied by a band, the other, a closed off silent room that not many are invited into. Now that, I feel, describes me essentially. My mind is divided into two. One half that plays a merry tune, playing off that I'm alright and keeps people occupied enough and keeps them liking me, while the second half keeps what I really think and all of my private thoughts pent up so as no one can really see what is going on. If they stay ignorant to my private thoughts, and they are satisfied with the band that is presented with them, then all is good.

"Yes, I think I am very fond of it. But I always want to know the things one shouldn't."
"So as to do them?" asked her aunt.
"So as to choose," said Isabel.

This quick conversation between Isabel and her Aunt makes me realize, I think I am the same as Isabel in this way. I like to know what I can and can't do, that way, I can decide whether to do the right or the wrong. It is more fun to know how close you can get to the edge without quite yet stepping over it. But at the same time, it useful so you know how you can always be safe when talking with others.

Now, let me crack the doors beyond my anteroom for a bit...

I read yesterday that they are "official". They are each other's boyfriends. Jealous? Why, yes. Of course I am. I wish...I wish that was me. I wish I was in Drew's spot. Being able to be there. Being able to see Josh. Being able to just be around him. I hate feeling jealous. In fact, as many may know, I hate showing many emotions. I have a select few that I actually like portraying. Happiness....joy....things of those sort. I like to be there for others, yet hate having people there for me. I feel as though I'm a burden. I'm a person made full of hypocrisy. It is my personal dilemma. One I felt could be ignored. I still do. I will still try.

But I will admit. If Josh comes out to Otakon, and he and Drew are still together, as I've told Bonnie, I believe it will just be a friendship thing. I may want something to happen...but morally, I would be ashamed of myself if something did, as Josh is with Drew. If he is with Drew, he needs to be committed to him. That is what being with someone entails. Committment and trust above all else. I don't want to be the one to ruin that between them.

But yet...I still want something to happen. I like him. So much. What a depressing situation.


As I overheard today, "Do you know what it is like to like someone so much, but never be able to have him? Well, have you?"











Yes. I know what it is like.

I Think I'm Going to Go Sneeze Now

So, I guess I'll post a new blog today, as I am just sitting here waiting for WoW to finish installing onto my laptop. I cannot believe I'm starting it up again, as I thought I'd never do that. But, lately, I've had this crave for a good MMO. I was going to install Guild Wars as it is free to play online, but I've come to discover that many people I know play WoW. It surprised me. And, playing with people you know is always fun!

So, I'm coming down with a kind of sickness. I am going to just assume it is a head cold. Stuffed up nose, pressure filled ears, sneezing, and a sore throat. It sucks. I don't usually get sick, but apparently I am getting sick a lot this winter. It sucks a lot.

I'm so excited for these next few weeks. The first semester is coming to an end. Which means half the school year is over. It seems like it was just yesterday that it started. Now, I can only hope the second semester goes by just as fast, especially considering I'll be adding a third AP class to my load of classes.

I'm tired.

My Optimism Was Doubted

Pardon my finding humor in this situation today, but I found it funny that my ability to have an open mind and stay hopeful was doubted today. I mean, the situation in where it was doubted was in no way funny or meant to be, but the fact that He was worried about how I may stay hopeful with an open mind made me, well, laugh. Honestly, those are some of the core characteristics that make me up. I live my life my aiming to stay optimistic - which would be another way to word being hopeful - and then I also have one of the most open minds you could find.

Now, it may seem weird, but I've come to realize something. To me, the physical aspects of a relationship are just, for a lack of better words, a bonus. The real treasure to me is the emotional connection that occurs between two people. If I don't feel that connection, if I don't feel that I can be myself and not be judged when with someone, if I feel that I judge them and don't accept them for who they are, then it just won't work. Thankfully, all of those have proven to be false when I think about when I talk with Him. And I love that so much.



I wouldn't know if I could call it, or would call it, true love, but I know if there is a shot at achieving that one day, what is a couple years? You have to give effort before you can gain the real treasure at the end. Plus, the more effort you give, the more you treasure the goal at the end.



I want to treasure Him a lot. I do right now. But I want to treasure Him even more. So, why not give more effort, right?

Back in Sync

School starts up again tomorrow. I'm actually excited for it (minus the 400 pages or so left that I have to read of The Grapes of Wrath by John Steinbeck. It makes me want to slash my wrists.) because it is like a breath of fresh air. A set schedule where you get to see all of your friends everyday, and you get to have fun while also learning and advancing further in life.

I get to cam with Josh some more today... Woo. I'm really excited for it. I really like talking with him. Except, I fail at showing emotions, so I wouldn't think he knew that. Damn my introverted self! Oh wellz. What can you do, yah know?



Oh yeah. I found a new quote that I really like from The Grapes of Wrath.

"There ain't no sin and there ain't no virtue. There's just stuff people do."

Can't You See?

Lately you have been making me feel very under appreciated, for a lack of better words. You say things that make it seem like you treasure me, but as they say, actions speak louder than words, and your actions are revealing that what you say isn't really what you believe.

I thought that maybe since in half a year, I'd be gone, we'd be spending more time together...but it seems...that time is spent with others. Maybe you'd rather be with them. I see. It pisses me off sometimes, though I don't say it. But, if you hang with others, so will I. I want to spend time with people that I will wholeheartedly miss.


As I've told everyone, there will be those I miss with my heart, those I'll know I won't see anymore, but not really miss, and then those that I don't care that I won't see them again.






I'm not sure where your standing is at the moment.

Sad, really.

A Tip of My Hat to Bush

Well, I have to give a tip of my hat to Bush and a quick clap of my hands for this one.

Parties and the Party Fouls

One of the best New Year's I can say I've ever had! First off, went to Dan's to help set up. Then I went to Bree's house for the party with the QAHS kids. First off, her neighborhood is on Narnia Drive and all the streets are named after things in that book series. For instance, Bree's road: Caspian Lane. Hahaha! I loved it. It made me laugh for a good few minutes.

Now, the party was a bit awkward at first. You know the usual, I'm-too-shy-at-first-so-I-won't-talk thing I do, but once I got over that and got used to everyone around me, I enjoyed myself a lot. Eric flirted a bunch, and I even flirted a little. But of course, I didn't notice I was doing it at the time. Plus, they were girls. Haha. Not my cup o' tea. But, I did end up leavin with three different girl's phone numbers. Megan, Morgan, and Carly, all of whom are really fun and seem to be awesome people to hang with. I told them all to hit me up sometime if they want to hang! I love meeting new people!

Now, for Dan's party. It started out as a lot of fun. When Eric and I walked in, everyone was like, "Nic and Eric! Heeeeyyyy!" And I mean, everyone. People I didn't even talk to said it. It was...surprising. I didn't think people would notice our entrance. And I decided to fuck talking with my usual crowd the entire time of the party. I wanted to talk to new people. So, I did. I talked with people I haven't seen in a while, and people I've never even talked to. I was on like, a "party high". People must've sworn that I was drunk. Ha.

Once the clock at struck midnight, the climax of the party occured. Everyone took to the streets like we were a giant flood of drunk protestors and they all blew their little horn things. Then things settled down and people eventually left Dan's (except those that were staying the night) and that is when things got...different. Not bad, but definitely not good. First off, I randomly talked with Dan's parents for a good few hours about...anything and everything really. It was really enjoyable. It made me feel a lot older for sure, but still, I really enjoy talking with Dan's parents. I love his Mom. She is awesome.

Now, for the ranting to begin. Ok, if someone says they don't love you and want to break up...A MONTH OR MORE AGO, and they still tell you that, I think they mean it. Don't go to a party, hang all over me, to distract you from them, and then cry in the back room. Seriously. Party foul. Just shut up and GTFO. I could understand you crying if they broke up with you at the party, but a month or more ago...c'mon now. I mean, maybe it is just my personality, or my ability to stay unattached from things that allow me to get over things easily, but still....enough is enough once it reaches a certain point. I care to a certain point, then I don't. Now, I'm done caring. You ask me for advice on the same thing every day, and I tell you the same thing every day. Get it through your damn thick skull. God damn. Naive.


But, anyways, yes. This New Years was good. Apparently more drama filled than I thought previously, but none of it involving me per say, so it is all good.


Damn. College is half a year away. How nice.