Overcoming One Battle, Only to Begin Another, With the Best Party Any RPG Could Offer

So, quite a bit has happened since my last post. The antagonist of this chapter of life has been defeated. I graduated from high school! I attained the diploma which was the key that allowed me to advance the story line of my life.

As I move on, I realize that like most RPGs, through the first part of my schooling adventures, I stumbled upon party members that bring their own abilities, personalities, and quirkiness to the table. And I also realized that as I go into the other half of my schooling, though not all of my party members will be available for use at all times, I will not be losing any at all. In fact, I do believe that only potential for this man's party is to keep growing. Experience abounds and I am all for grinding and power leveling so I can be sure that I can overcome any boss battle that my friends and I may encounter.

Secondly, I've also fallen. I met someone named Mic, became close with him, and viola! we are together. It seems so right; it is so right. I've never felt so calm, so at ease, so...me, around someone who I'm with. I feel as though I can do no wrong with him, and he can do no wrong in my eyes. He is so sweet, so caring, so himself. He is true to himself and tries not to let anyone get in his way.


I believe we have a Yuna and Tidus relationship cropping up here.

A Brief Rest for a Weary Traveler

We are two different people. We love one another. But, at the same time, this love...this love...this love....is better left for later days. Right now, we are two different people, at two different places in our lives, at two different levels, but all these lead to the one conclusion that it won't work. It wouldn't work.

This is the best thing for us. This is the best thing for us. This is the best thing for us.

Repeat it enough, and you will convince yourself of it. Or so I shall like to believe. Persuade ones self to believe in this false truth, and soon, the falseness of the truth will soon become real and no longer shall it be truth, but rather, Truth.

And though I know some people may not be approving, or happy with, or will become angry with me for liking another so soon...I cannot help but be who I may be.

I become attached to people quickly, and will remain so until given reason not to be. I was given that reason three times before, and I kept trying to play dumb and let that reason slide, as though it wasn't there. It was there. Always there; never gone; a lingering shadow of toxin soon to impede upon my dream. It struck at the worst possible time, and yet, at the best. It was the dividing line. To hold on to a dream that may never work out into a reality, or to pursue a new reality altogether that may retain a treasure to delve for in the end.

But, I have become sidetracked it seems, as though I quickly become attached, I can become unattached equally as fast. Never completely mind you, as there is always that little place for someone in my heart. It shrinks, but is never gone. As though a tree has devolved and receded into its seed, waiting to see if it will be watered ever again.

It's just that after such a long, wearisome journey, I threw up my arms and gave up. At that point, that wonderful, refreshing air came through, brushing back my hair and imparting upon me the wisdom and knowledge that lead me to do what was so very hard for me to do. I said things that wrenched my heart. I am sad. But I had my mourning period. I am me, which means that I will have my time to be sad about something, but I realize that I cannot just let my life stop due to it, as life won't stop for me. I need to keep my head up and keep moving on. Always.


Roads cross and split. Roads are seemingly endless, until that sudden stop. Along that seemingly endless stretch of hardship, two separate paths may touch, intertwine, or never touch at all. Who knows how things will turn out? Roads themselves are moving. Always moving. Always.



"Sometime when you least expect it, you’ll realize that someone loved you, and that means someone can love you again. And that’ll make you smile."
-Homer Simpson

Easy, Yet Not So Much

On again, off again. Getting back on, falling back off. And now, a perfect median that allows one to become comfortable with getting on.

And this allows me to be enjoying life, as usual, but just...in an easier way, I'd guess I could say.

Together, but not. Visible, yet unseen. Liked, but not. Ironically, the way things are fit me perfectly. I like things predictable, but not. Simple, yet complex.



Sadly, I can only think about how much I like him...love him...I don't know. I think one day I shall say those words to him.





Is it me, or has there been a shift in people? I see some who usually have a grasp on things, losing it, and those who I've missed, coming back to me, among other things. All in all, it is a positive thing, but as with all things, there is that shadow. With the positive, negative tails along.


Hopefully the sun is high in the sky, and the shadow is minuscule at best.

Here Comes the Downpour

Time to get over him, I suppose. No point in hoping for what never shall be. He messed it up before, many times, so I figured that if he really wanted it to work, he'd fix his mistakes. But I guess not. So I'll just take the safer route and get out of this dangerous cycle when I can.

Visiting Drexel just reassured me that this is the college for me. I cannot wait.

And I also decided that I shall be a "relationship hermit" in college. I just want to have fun and not have any kind of hookups or relationships in college. Just study and have fun with everything.


Time for a walk in the thunderstorm.

In The Clouds, Where Time Really Looks Endless

I hate to talk about the future, as I know it is something undetermined, and yet, I wonder, is it written in the strands of time? Is the future really undetermined, or is it really all set out for us to fulfill, and it is only seen as a mystery to us because the normal person can't see that far into the future to solve the mystery?

Many things in life are deemed inevitable. Many things aren't really as inevitable as some would suggest or perceive. Growing up and dying. Two of the only inevitable events or occurrences that really happen through life. All that matters is how you deal with them.

Going through the whole growing up and out into another realm of life is disheartening, exciting, and tiring. Who knew something could be so filled with so many different things?




I must admit, I am one of those who would be excited for high school reunions. I want to see how everyone has changed and grown up. See how they tackled the inevitable challenge. See who was overcome by the challenge, and who overcame it.



Sometimes, I feel dumb for dreaming. And yet, I feel comfort in those dreams full of fiction. Why must I be so dumb as to wish for things such as this. Even I, the Dreamer, do not fully know. Though, the lack of comprehending, may not be such a bad thing.

Tumbling Views of Silence

"I feel that I am flawed if I have a gay child."

I don't understand how one can be a parent and say that honestly. Especially since my Mother was the one who stated such. Tomorrow, mother and I are having a chat. Time for me to be firm and harsh. I predict she won't like the conversation, but I'm going to love it.

Day of Silence is coming up. The 17th. Participating? Why yes I am. Silence, wearing red, and doing it all. Woo.

Inside emotions still a tumble weed, tumbling round and round.

Not in the mood to write a long blog.

Short and sweet tonight.

Just Set Me On Fire

I hate my feelings.


I hate knowing I'll like them no matter what they do.




Life sucks.




Well....



For the most part anyways.

My Treat To Myself

I love walking in the rain.

Especially at 11:30 PM with one of your best friends.

Going from the glow of a lamp post and seeing the constant, slight drizzle slowly falling to the Earth, then continuing on to the darkness between lamp posts and seeing nothing, just feeling the water hit your skin. Then later reemerging into another luminous streak from the lamps and being able to see again.



Walks in the rain - my treat to myself.

As The Head Hits The Pillow

I recall that one day I read somewhere that dreams present to ones' self what their greatest desire, their most agonizing fears, and their most pondered about thoughts or feelings are.

I generally don't dream, or in any case remember what I dream, which is quite alright with me. I don't really like to know the aforementioned things that dreams can portray. But, on the other hand, I do like dreams for showing me those as well.

The other day I dreamt about college. I realized how much I love my friends, and how glad and honored I am to be best friends with every single one, especially one that has been friends with me since my chapter titled Maryland was started to be written. Thankfully, that character will continue onto the next chapter, Philadelphia, with the protagonist. I treasure him. And I cannot imagine how horrid of a chapter Maryland would've been without him, and how bland Philadelphia would've soon been if it wasn't for him.

Now, today I went on a date/hangout with Z. Awkward. Awkward. Awkward. Not much conversing went on. I would try to bring up a topic, but it was hastily cut down by a quick, "Yeah." Nothing after that. Silence. Z may have been nervous, but nonetheless, it made me feel awkward. And it continued on like that for a good couple of hours. First I had to drive out an hour to pick him up, after getting lost mind you, and then this. I was a bit disappointed, but what can you do? I enjoyed the time as best as I could, but wasn't too sad when the next hour of driving home came around. This did help me decide that we will be friends. No more.









And as I dreamt, I walked besides him and smiled. I grabbed my bags and looked around towards the city and the college itself. I threw my free arm around his shoulder and continued on, while turning and jubilantly saying, "Thank you. For being here. For being my friend. I love you as if you were my own flesh and blood. In fact, you are. Now, how about it brother? Shall we conquer Philadelphia as well?" He and I walked off and entered the light-filled doors to our dormitory.

I'll Take One

Ok. Seriously. When I get older I want to have one of these as my pad in Seattle. I absolutely love the metallic, industrial look for homes. And it is environmental friendly. How much cooler could that get?

I'm in love with these homes.

It Hurt So Good

So, the third time isn't always the charm as it seems. Or is it? It taught me things, and that is in itself a charm, is it not?

Today, I've been bitch slapped by reality. Twice. Yet, I still remain my optimistic attitude, which is all I ask to retain in situations such as this. Today, in third period, the student who sits across from me came in today and plopped himself down, sighed and exclaimed aloud, "Ah! Only ten more weeks until graduation!" I don't know why, I can't explain why, but hearing that from him made me realize...it really is only ten short weeks away. That may seem like forever, but it really isn't. Not at all. In reality, it is a very short time span. I knew this was coming, but for some odd reason, hearing the other student say it made me comprehend the situation.

Secondly, when I got home I received the mail and noticed I got back the form from Drexel that stated how much money in Financial Aid I would receive. About 20k in all. Seems like a lot, but that still leaves me approximately 30k left over. So my Mom started to stress, and like usual, started to blame others and yell about it. She yelled at me for apparently not caring about scholarships at all, even though I've done all I can. I'm just waiting on the school to give me a large amount of forms back so I can finally progress further. They take their sweet, sweet time. Sadly.

Onto the next topic: the next book AP Lit. is requiring us to read. I oddly have liked this book since we started on page one. This book is A Passage to India. So, expect quotes in the future from this source now.


Oh wait. No need to wait! Here is one now! And as morbid as this may sound, I want this on my tombstone.

Alas, without me for thousands of years
The Rose will blossom and the Spring will bloom,
But those who have secretely understood my heart --
They will approach and visit the grave where I lie.



And for fun, another random quote I quite enjoy:

"Hope is a state of mind, not of the world. Hope, in this deep and powerful sense, is not the same as joy that things are going well, or willingness to invest in enterprises that are obviously heading for success, but rather an ability to work for something because it is good."

Vaclav Havel

Watching for the Small Things

Today, though normality was strewn throughout most of the day, I felt rather enlightened from my AP Literature class. Now, I usually tend to get tired in this class, but today I was oddly awake, and it seems, as they say, everything happens for a reason. Since I was so awake, I was about to listen in on the conversation/lecture that my teacher was holding with a student, but as well as the class in general.

My teacher was telling us how she and a friend of hers were discussing society and how it is today. She believed that society today is busy, but is almost too busy. Since people are children, their lives are filled with activities day to day, hour to hour, and that they grow accustomed to that. But with that, people lose the time they would usually have to allow self-reflection. My teacher saw that as a sad thing. And I would agree. I agreed with a lot that she said earlier this day, and I realized, that this moment, this time, when I sit here and write this out is my time of self-reflection. My time where I walk through the city of my thoughts and notice the little things and appreciate all that is around me, rather than just always being on the go, going through the motions.

I am envious, and in awe, of my teacher sometimes. She may be a bit quirky, but aren't all people in one way or another? She is able to see so deeply into the smallest of things with such ease, she contemplates things and grasps so much out of life, and she seems to treasure one's sense of self and the acceptance of ourselves and each other. For that, I envy her. She is what I strive to mirror. I don't want to be a clone, a copy of any sort, but I want to be able to view the world as she does in a sense.

I guess that our elders do have wisdom to share, and thankfully, my teacher's wisdom is one of acceptance rather than that of the stereotypical judging and condemning.




Now, to add to this, I ironically had to write an essay in this class on appearances and how they really aren't that important, and once a person pushes their worry about appearances to the side and focus on just making sure that their core selves is what really shines, that person can finally attain happiness. They will be optimistic versus being pessimistic.

I just found it ironic that that was the subject of our prompt, as appearances and the opinions of others was mentioned in the entry before this.


And now for two quotes I quite like:

"The closer you get to someone, something, some brand, some organization… the harder it is to demonize it, objectify it or hate it. So, if you want to not be hated, open up. Let people in. Engage. Interact."
-Seth Godin

"You can’t live a perfect day without doing something for someone who will never be able to repay you. ”
-John Wooden

Compartment For Your Thoughts?

Where to begin this blog? I haven't a clue. Let me organize my thoughts.........thoughts - organized.

Well...in one sense or another.

So, let's see. Now I am not single, which is nice, considering that the person I am with I missed a lot and they said the same about me. But, sometimes, I wish...I wish I could be like other couples. Like, you know, the "normal" hetero couples. People don't mind seeing them holding hands, or squeezing their shoulder out of affection, or hugging them, or kissing. But once a same-sex couple does...everything goes to hell. And so thus, the person I am with who isn't exactly comfortable with being himself is very secretive about us. Now, I understand why and I feel for him. I know why he is acts the way he does, but sometimes it is just hard. Being back with him and not being able to express how happy I am with him and how I feel about him to others...it is so depressing at some points. I look at others who can openly do that, and I feel sad. I wish I could do that. But I can't. I feel as though sometimes, I'm being dragged into a closet that isn't mine, but someone else's.

I guess the good thing is, I'd rather be in that closet with him then be out of it without him. I'll just have to help him open the door little by little.



Now, for another subject. I talked with Amanda a while ago and she brought up Josh and Drew. A subject we haven't talked about for a while. Which is funny, because Josh thought we talked a lot about him, or something along those lines. Quite the contrary my friend. I also seemed to hear that Drew reads this blog. Which is funny...yet quite creepy as well, seeing as the most conversation I have ever had with this person is a few small talk conversations on WoW. Not anything that solidifies a "friendship" of any kind. So, in my opinion, he reading this on a daily basis is a bit creepy, but then again, it is on the Internet.
So, if you read this Drew, I do think it is kind of creepy that you read this. But at the same time, it is whatever.


Today was the last day of the musical. It 'twas a nice time being part of it. A tad bit sad knowing that this is the last high school musical I can ever be an official part of as a high school student with my friends. But, it was all good. A bit of off-stage drama occurred between parents, students, and the director, all of which I believe was completely unnecessary and ridiculous. But maybe that was because I was able to see both sides to all parts of the problem, instead of being tunnel visioned and agreeing with only one side.


Ugh.


He turned to me as I tried to fall asleep next to him and he said in a soft voice, "I missed you." And I realized there and then, why I fell for him before, and why I shall always fall for him, no matter how much happens between us.

Take Three

Third times a charm, as they say.


I wonder now, is it really, or shall it just be another thing that will blow up in my face and my so called life.






Well, in any case, the explosion may be quite the sight.

Do I Let the Dust Gather or Shall I Brush It Off and Try Anew?

Yesterday an ex (twice-over) revealed to me that he still has feelings for me, and that he was hoping something could happen between us again. This split me from the inside. I had managed to ignore my feelings for him so well. I shoved it so far down in my mind that it was barely able to be seen. But it reemerged. At the same time, I sat there and fought against it. I shoved the feelings back. They belonged in that darkened corner. Or did they? That was my most recent debacle.

So as for our conversation, it went along the lines of he saying he liked me, me admitting I still really liked him, but was afraid of anything to happen, due to the past two attempts, and then...that was all. We threw that we liked each other still out into the air and left them hanging there. Doing...nothing. Perfect. Gives he and I to think things out. I relinquished the excitement things like this brought and settled for a peaceful, boring year because that is all I want. Just a plain, easy-going year. But I got a taste of the excitement. Do I wish to indulge more, or leave it as just a sample? I sit and ponder these two decisions and so far my actions have led to this course of action:


Do nothing.



Nothing.

Cold, Beautiful Reflections

Reflecting on what has past, and what is happening now. The past is the past, and thus it should stay there. Or that is my opinion on the subject anyways. Sometimes I may wish for the past to become present, but that will never happen. Unless. You try to mold the present to be as close to the past as possible. Nothing is ever an exact copy. Not that it may be a bad thing, as a little differences here and there is a good way to switch things up.

As reflecting on the present is concerned: I stated before I am a person made up of hypocrisy. That still remains, but I wish to lower the amount of hypocrisy held in me. I realized that I hate when people judge others, but I've been doing that recently. I don't judge my close friends. But, I did judge people trying to get to know me, or have done me wrong in the past. I decided to throw that up in the air and continue on, a clean slate now is what I hold, if you will. I attained that slate a week or so ago.

Josh and I don't talk now. He got angry with me because he was pushing me to tell him things a friend confided into me, which is against my morals, mind you. I told him so, and he said that the situation between he and his friend was more important that my morals and that I was being selfish or prideful for not telling him. I wished to stay out of the situation as much as possible. I felt that the situation was meant to be a private one between Josh and Amanda, not Josh, Amanda, and I. I will digress, I was in the situation just because she confided in me, but I wished to stay as close to the edge as possible. Josh was making that hard and I told him so, but he just continued saying I was selfish and that I needed to grow up. Then he said we shouldn't be friends and should stop talking. I laughed at the whole conversation between us because it was so immature. I attempted to take the high road, but Josh kept burning the bridges I needed to cross, until he finally burned the one between us. Life moves on though. The good in this situation, though the friendship between Josh and I didn't turn out quite as expected, I became good friends with Amanda. Everything happens for a reason.


And now I'm sick and it is snowing outside. Perfect combination, as school is canceled tomorrow. Now I can sit back and relax. Time to heal up. Throw a lesser heal upon me priest, please.

Increasing the Opacity on that Facade

So it seems Josh wasn't cracked up to be all he said. He had a facade. He covered his true thoughts and feelings to make it seem like he was being honest to me, while not being so. I think I saw this, but refused to admit to it.

After all of the shit he has done, I remained okay. I didn't really care enough to be angry over things. But, the Valentine's Day gifts that I sent were another. I really put effort into to trying to make them special. Really. I did.

Now I find out that Josh felt bad about them because they were from me and not his ex Drew. A-hole. A-hole. A-hole. Well, that is cool.

I'm angry. But I will be over it tomorrow.


I did realize a few things though.

One: I don't want to talk to him anymore.

Two: I am glad I did talk with him though, because now I'm really good friends with his friend Amanda. She is so awesome.

Covering

Covering: The Hidden Assault on Our Civil Rights. Now that the reading of The Portrait of a Lady has concluded, I have started to read my latest find on Amazon. This book has enthralled me, and yet, I am only a meager thirty pages in.

The book's main subject is about American's civil rights and how they are being suppressed. Individuals need to suppress their true selves so that they can fit into the "mainstream" of society.

They "cover" their true selves.

This book makes me think about myself, my experiences, my thoughts about different situations. I can relate to this book; I had since page one. It drew me in and isn't letting go, partly because I don't want it to.

It inspires; it reveals truths; it encourages.


I love it. If you ever need a book to read, pick this up. Definitely worth it.

Resolve

I don't understand what you think. Your resolve wavers, and that makes my belief in you waver as well.

I think you deny things to yourself, as those around you can see things that you apparently do not. Honestly, it does nothing but make me feel cruddy inside.


But, now that that is off my chest, I can be happy again.



Life is too short to focus on the bad. Focus on the good. Life will seem longer and more pleasant that way.

An Unfamiliar, Yet Familiar, Scent

Yesterday was great. Valentine's Day. Usually, in my opinion, one of the most useless, if not depressing, holidays humans could whip up. But this year was different. Amanda, Josh, Dan, Eric, and I all sat down together on the web cam and opened the boxes we shipped to one another.

Though the gifts I sent were meager, in my opinion, they meant a lot to me, so I hope they meant a lot to Josh. I hope with all my heart he really liked them. I know what he sent me meant a lot to. He sent me a plushie of L, a character from the anime Death Note, a card that I absolutely adored, and a plastic ring, which I wear every chance I have, might I add. Better yet, the L plushie was sprayed with Josh's cologne. His scent. It smelled so good.

When I first took a whiff of the doll, it was odd. The scent. It was so new, something I haven't smelled before, but at the same time, it seemed so normal to me. Like I have been around that smell before...like I was used to it. I didn't know why I felt like that, as I haven't been around that smell before...but...I think it is because it was Josh's scent that my brain smelt the scent, and triggered the thoughts of Josh and how comfortable I am talking to him, and thus made me feel comfortable with the scent...as though I was familiar with it.

And I must digress, I was also a bit jealous before and after the camera session. Josh went to breakfast with Drew and then dinner as well on Valentine's Day. I wish I could've taken Josh to dinner. I was jealous.

Oh! That actually reminds me, I have yet another quote from A Portrait of a Lady that goes along with this topic.

"Jealousy, after all, was in a sense one of the symptoms of happiness."

Initiative

So I sit here in Media, PA at my Dad's laptop wondering why I am blogging rather than doing the reading of The Portrait of a Lady. I don't know why. I guess I just want to talk about the day today, so here I go.

Philadelphia was amazing.

So today was my "Accepted Students Preview Day" today at Drexel. I wanted to meet up with everyone that I have talked to over Facebook. I did see them, and talked to a few, but events didn't play out as planned. First off, we all originally were going to sit together at lunch. So the group texted me and told me to go the first lunch (there were two different lunch times available in the itenerary) and so I did. In order to get in, you had to turn in a ticket. So I did, and as soon as I got in there, the group texted me again changing it to the second lunch. "Seriously...?" was all that went through my mind. Now I was stuck in the lunch that I couldn't meet up with everyone.

Anyways, so I stood in the cafeteria trying to figure out what to do exactly. I found the trays, grabbed one, and then stood there gazing around. A girl caught my eye who was doing the same thing as me. I walked up to her and laughed and said, "Same situation as me? Found a tray, but don't know where to go from there?" She laughed and we ended up helping one another into finding a line to get food. We talked and I found out her name was Mag (pronounced "Meg") and she was by herself. So, I invited her to sit with me. I sat and talked with her for an hour or so and then the first lunch period was over and the rest of the agenda was needed to commence.

We left the cafeteria, walked to the main hall and continued on with the day. I learned many things about the school, some was redundant and other things were new.


After this event concluded, I was surprised with myself. Why? Because I took the initiative and started a conversation with Meg. I! I! Me! I don't start conversations. Or...rather, I didn't before. But, maybe, the atmosphere caught up with me. I always told myself that I wanted to be more social in college and I guess I am becoming that. What really surprised me beyond that fact that I started the conversation was that I was able to continue it on for so long.


I loved it.




College seems like it will change me for the better.

Delightful.




Oh yeah. To quickly add on to this entry: My major in Digital Media at Drexel only accepts about 45 people a year. I was utterly shocked. I was accepted to into it! I was one out of 45! I felt so lucky. Now I just need to find financing. Ugh.

A Package of Changing Times

So Eric, Dan, and I are going to get a Valentine's Day Package together for Amanda and Josh. I have a couple of great ideas of things to put in for Josh, and I believe Dan and Eric will provide things for Amanda. It is going to be fun going shopping for the stuff tomorrow after school (and my tutoring for NHS). I wish I could reveal what I'd be getting for Josh on here, but this is online and you never know if he may stumble upon it and read it. Best not to take chances. I don't want my surprise to be ruined! Haha.

Times are changing for us all. I don't mind change. I adapt to it, even if I dislike or like the change that is occurring. It doesn't phase me. Nowadays, nothing phases me. I've grown used to life's disappoints, surprises - good or bad -, and everything else life throws at a person. I've gotten stuck in a rut that will allow me to get through the day without feeling many things. The pro, I get through the day easily and without much effort. The con, I don't get to experience life to the fullest each day. Not sure which one weighs on my conscience more. I don't care which one does either.

Ugh. I should be writing a paper, not a blog. Time to go do that.

Confusion

I don't understand.

Ok. So, it is such a bad thing to like two people? I was happy that I am talking to Josh. Of course I was! I've been talking to him since November and even if I do like him, he is a good friend. And that is all. But, apparently missing talking to a good friend and being happy that I am talking to him again makes me an asshole. I just don't get it. I really did like Jimmy. I was actually kind of hoping something would happen between us. But at the same time I wasn't. But, since I apparently used him, he hates me. Sad, yes. Incredibily. I don't regret being happy about Josh though. I will be what I will be.

I feel bad. But at the same time, shit happens. I really am emotionless. It sucks.

Tomorrow will be awkward I guess. Happy for the daggers that shall be stared at me tomorrow. Whatever.

"There ain't no sin, and there ain't no virtue. There is just things people do."

Flying High

I wish I could go anywhere, anytime. Who doesn't at one point or another though?

Josh broke up with Drew. Talks to me more now though. And I'm incredibly happy about it. I mean, I missed talking with him so much. And, the fallout of communication made me realize how much I really do like him. As that cliche, yet so true, saying goes, "You don't know what you have until it is gone." I knew I liked Josh, but I never realize how much I did until the communication became close to null. I like him much more than I've ever liked anyone before. It is nice. Now, I must say, even though the length of my four-year college is depressing, I'm also glad for the length. It allows me the time to realize what I want, gives him time to think about the same, and it allows us to still talk and get to know one another even more so. It is like, "dating" for a lengthy period. You know? I like to look at the positive in all situations.


Today, Eric and I went to the mall. As usual, I spent a lot on clothing. Thankfully, I don't do it much. I did however, see the sweatshirt I ordered online in person in Buckle. I love it! I can't wait for Monday, which is when it arrives at my home. Eric is so funny when he goes clothing shopping, and he brings me along to help him decide which "looks good" or not. I am so jealous of his awesome find! We found him an awesome jacket from Metro Park that I wish was in my size or I would've gotten it in a heartbeat. But, it looks really good on him so I'm glad he found it in his size.


Tonight, I hung out with Olivia. I haven't done that in who knows how long. At first it started with just hanging out and playing Kingdom Hearts II, and then we just paused the game and talked for a couple hours. It was nice. I should hang out with her more often.



"But I don't even know your name, so I will call you medicine.
You can ease my pain."

-Kim Leoni, Medicine

A Second Release

So, I would like to say that I shall be having a second blog in addition to this one. While this one will be a more of a "release" blog, my second blog will be for pure fun.

I plan on just posting things that I find entertaining/controversial/intriguing/etc. on it....so randomness shall ensure. Haha. Feel free to follow it, or just take a glance at it whenever you wish.

Car Rides

Today. Undescribable. Let's see, I guess I'll start from the beginning. Where else best to start, than where it would all make sense to you, the reader.

12:00 A.M. - Hanging with Dan at his house. All is good. I'm having a great time. Dan ends up going to sleep and I'm sitting there playing Fallout and then out of no where, Josh calls. I talked with him for a good hour. It was really nice. He can be very imaginative and naive in some of his ideas and wants in life, but though it can seem very unrealistic, I think it is good to have those thoughts on occasion. Without those thoughts, where would anyone be these days? You need something just so unrealistic to keep you going, so you can try to make that a reality.

Later on that day, around 12:30 PM. I headed out and went home. I had to change, and get ready to go to the Inner Harbour with Bonnie and Marcus. That was fun. A bit awkward at times, as when you talk with Marcus, you'll bring up a topic of conversation and he'll say one thing about it and that's it. Doesn't really give you much to go off of and makes the conversation drive into a ditch. Nonetheless, it was fun.

But, now, what really made this day undescribable would be the car rides. On the way to meet up with Marcus, Bonnie and I had a really good discussion about family. She opened up, I opened up. It was nice. But...I realized how much I'll miss my family. Though, who I would miss the most surprised me. My brother.

Now, why did it surprise me you may wonder. Well, I'm closer with my Mom and Elle. Luc can be really annoying, but I love him nonetheless. So I expected to miss my Mom or Elle. Of course I would miss Luc, but I didn't expect to miss him as much. But, internally, my heart told me I'd miss Luc the most. And I know why. I love him so much, and I am afraid...afraid that he will be lonely without me. I'm like his best friend. I try to be there for him when he needs me to be, and he doesn't go out much as his friends are a decent ways away. I play with him and am just...his friend. I worry that when I leave he won't be happy. And I don't want that. I want him to be happy. That is all I want. I want everyone to be happy after I leave. Maybe not when I leave, but after I'm gone, they should be happy. And god damn will I miss them. But, I don't want to leave Luc unhappy. It breaks my heart thinking about him being unhapppy due to my abscence.

Now Bonnie may not realize this, but as we drove to meet Marcus...discussing this with her...I started to cry. I don't ever cry about anything, but I feel so strongly about this that I started to tear up. I held it in thank god. And thankfully I had sunglasses on to keep everything disguised. I find it funny that I try not to allow myself to cry in front of anyone, and the one time I lose control, I ended up being able to hide it. Irony at its best?

Now, as the day concluded and I dropped Bonnie off at her house, on my drive home I couldn't not think about this. I drove him and blasted the music. Tried to do anything to get my mind off of it. I couldn't. I ended up breaking down on the way home. It is hard to drive home when it seems as though it is raining inside your car, messing with your view. But I made it home...and just sat in my driveway. I admit, I weeped for a while. I cry as I write this. But, besides that, I sat in the driveway until I was able to collect myself and wait until the redness subsided. Then I put on my happy face and pretended nothing was wrong.




As I walked up to my room and saw my brother playing on my 360 and turning to me smiling, I looked upon him with a different view than before. I smiled and acted like I usually would, but thought differently about him.






God damn. I love the kid.

The Used and The Users

Life has surprises around every corner. Personally, I hate surprises. But Life's surprises are so enjoyable, how can I hate them?

People: One of the most complex organisms, anatomy and mentally wise. Josh broke up with Drew last night, because Josh felt the "friend" connection more so than a "romantic" connection. Now, since Drew is gone, Josh calls me and talks to me and says how much he missed talking to me. Honestly, I did miss talking to him too. I allow myself to be used. Why? Because it brings me happiness. If I'm happy, then I don't doubt that being used is the bad decision. Honestly, I guess I don't see myself as being "used" per say, since both of us use one another. We talk to one another to be happy. If we use each other for happiness, and both parties are happy, what is the problem?

Now, I like another guy as well. He is cute, shorter than me (Score!), and though he can be an ass, he is funny and I like that. How much do I like him, you wonder. Now, that, I wonder as well, as I am not sure myself.

I guess I'll let Life pelt me in the face with another surprise that will hopefully feed me the answer to that.




I get to meet a lot of people I will spending my life in college with Feb. 6th. Exciting? Very. Nerve wracking? Even more so. Loving it? Always.

Optimism - My Ambition

Enough said.


In other news, another quote or two from The Portrait of a Lady for you all. Yes. More. I love them!

"You must be prepared on many occasions in life to please no one at all - not even yourself."

And the second,

"What do you call one's life?" asked Madame Merle.
"One's appearance, one's movements, one's engagements, one's society?"

"I call your life - your ambitions," said Osmond.

Crazy With It

I love this song by Shiny Toy Guns. This is my second favorite song by them (the first being "Rainy Monday"). I highlighted my favorite section of the lyrics.

Here is a link to the song if you are interested in listening.
---------------------------------------------------------

Love... feel love!

Every question
Every answer too
Ever constant
Ever changing you
It's all memory
in the sun
Or it's all in
the darkness

Maybe it's all
around to see
If we try
And maybe it's been
inside of me
All this time
Love love love
Love love love!
Love love love!


Love love love
Love love love!
Love love love!
Oooh-oooh

Crazy with it
Crazier without
Never certain
Never full of doubt
Now you feel it
Now you don't
Do you know what you're feeling

Where did it come
from and where
Does it go
If it were right
in front of me
Would I know
Love love love
Love love love!
Love love love!

Love love love
Love love love!
Love love love!

Hello Realization

Realization: I don't care what happens at Otakon between "us". If it does, it does. If it doesn't, it doesn't. If it does, I won't feel bad. If it doesn't, I won't be sad. Either way, it is fine with me.


Realization: Everyone cares more about this situation than I do...and their not even directly involved with it. Josh doesn't realize why he is pinned the "bad guy" and honestly, neither do I. I mean, yes, he is with Drew; yes, he ignores me from time to time; yes, he still likes me and all that shit. But I'm the one who told him to go for Drew, and I'm not surprised he ignores me. It may not be purposely if it because he is with his boyfriend. Sometimes, alone time away from everyone, including the phone, is good. I'd do it if I was Josh from time to time. Josh isn't the bad guy, but he isn't anywhere near being a good guy either. And neither am I in this. He is just a person doing what he will do. I can't stop that, and I wouldn't want to. He sounds happy when he talks about Drew, which makes me happy. Though, talking about Valentine's Day was awkward a bit. I want to watch some good horror/slasher/zombie/comedic romance movies that day. I want the formerly mentioned situation to just be put on hold between everyone besides Josh and I and never start again. Ha.




Hello Realization. How have you been? I missed you dearly. I'm glad you paid a visit.

A Day Full of Riches

Today has been one of the best days I've had in a while. For many reasons, not just one.

First off, I was able to hang with Bonnie. I miss hanging out with her. I had a lot of fun hanging out with her! Going to the mall just because we can, or just sitting around and doing nothing, but liking one another's company. That was always fun. Plus, whenever I hang out with her, I learn something...like that my car rear view mirror has a "night vision" mode. I was like, "NUH UH!" Now I can drive without car lights blaring into my eyes! I won't swerve at night now. Score. Kudos to Bonnie! She may have indirectly saved my life now, with enlightening me as she did. Haha.

Now, secondly, I stepped way out of my comfort zone. Bonnie and I went to the mall to meet up with Marcus, someone who I barely knew. He wanted to meet up and hang at the mall, so I was game. I was really nervous. I barely knew the guy, I become clammed up when I meet someone new, and it makes me incredibly anxious. But, thankfully Bonnie was there to help me out.

It was odd at first, because first off, I am seventeen and Marcus is twenty seven. Creeper alert? Well, yes. That is one of the reasons why Bonnie came along. But, he was actually incredibly cool. He goes to Cons, likes anime, video games, and things like I do! And he is pretty awesome, not to mention cute. Not to be racist of any sort, but I am not usually romantically attracted to black men (which Marcus is), but I found him to be cute. Now, if only he wasn't ten years older than me! Damn!

We walked around the mall, had fun, and got to know one another. I planned to only stay there for an hour, but we ended up staying there for two. That suprised me...because it meant that I lost track of time, which leads into the fact that I was enjoying myself. It was nice! He wants to hang again sometime, which I would like. He said that if Bonnie and I go to Katsucon, we are definitely invited to his hotel party. Oh my. How much fun would that be?!

Though, I must admit, even though Bonnie was late in to getting home (which I do feel bad about allowing to occur), I did enjoy that I was able to spend more time with her...even if she was late.



Oh yes. I found another quote I like from The Portrait of a Lady. I think I shall start making a book of quotes I like for myself.

"I call people rich when they are able to gratify their imagination."

Put One Foot in Front of the Other

I realize it may seem that I have my life planned out, or rather, the next decade or so. But really, I don't. I have wishes for how I want it to turn out, but really, it may not happen or it may. Either way, I adapt to it. That is how I am.

I am going to go to Drexel, major in Digital Media, minor in Japanese, and then we'll see how it goes from there. From there, I am split. I'd love to go Seattle and get a nice artist loft, or a full out apartment with a good job that I love. But, I'd also love to sign up for that program which I would go to Japan for a year to help teach English. Right now...I think I'd go with the Japan option. You live life only once, so why not do what you love and fulfill your dreams?

I live life by the day, soak it all in and the such. I like it that way. I don't focus on the depressing past, and I don't focus on the anxiety filled future. Just take one step at a time while smelling the flowers.



And I will admit, they smell quite nice.

Just a Peek

The Portrait of a Lady. A book I thought I'd despise, like many other books that I've been forced to read. Oddly, I'm glad I am being forced to read it. I really like this book. A lot of the characters have characteristics that I personally share with them. I can relate. Sadly, some of the characteristics are ones that make the story conflicted, or make some of the characters an image of pity. One character, Ralph, describes his mind as two rooms. The first being an anteroom occupied by a band, the other, a closed off silent room that not many are invited into. Now that, I feel, describes me essentially. My mind is divided into two. One half that plays a merry tune, playing off that I'm alright and keeps people occupied enough and keeps them liking me, while the second half keeps what I really think and all of my private thoughts pent up so as no one can really see what is going on. If they stay ignorant to my private thoughts, and they are satisfied with the band that is presented with them, then all is good.

"Yes, I think I am very fond of it. But I always want to know the things one shouldn't."
"So as to do them?" asked her aunt.
"So as to choose," said Isabel.

This quick conversation between Isabel and her Aunt makes me realize, I think I am the same as Isabel in this way. I like to know what I can and can't do, that way, I can decide whether to do the right or the wrong. It is more fun to know how close you can get to the edge without quite yet stepping over it. But at the same time, it useful so you know how you can always be safe when talking with others.

Now, let me crack the doors beyond my anteroom for a bit...

I read yesterday that they are "official". They are each other's boyfriends. Jealous? Why, yes. Of course I am. I wish...I wish that was me. I wish I was in Drew's spot. Being able to be there. Being able to see Josh. Being able to just be around him. I hate feeling jealous. In fact, as many may know, I hate showing many emotions. I have a select few that I actually like portraying. Happiness....joy....things of those sort. I like to be there for others, yet hate having people there for me. I feel as though I'm a burden. I'm a person made full of hypocrisy. It is my personal dilemma. One I felt could be ignored. I still do. I will still try.

But I will admit. If Josh comes out to Otakon, and he and Drew are still together, as I've told Bonnie, I believe it will just be a friendship thing. I may want something to happen...but morally, I would be ashamed of myself if something did, as Josh is with Drew. If he is with Drew, he needs to be committed to him. That is what being with someone entails. Committment and trust above all else. I don't want to be the one to ruin that between them.

But yet...I still want something to happen. I like him. So much. What a depressing situation.


As I overheard today, "Do you know what it is like to like someone so much, but never be able to have him? Well, have you?"











Yes. I know what it is like.

I Think I'm Going to Go Sneeze Now

So, I guess I'll post a new blog today, as I am just sitting here waiting for WoW to finish installing onto my laptop. I cannot believe I'm starting it up again, as I thought I'd never do that. But, lately, I've had this crave for a good MMO. I was going to install Guild Wars as it is free to play online, but I've come to discover that many people I know play WoW. It surprised me. And, playing with people you know is always fun!

So, I'm coming down with a kind of sickness. I am going to just assume it is a head cold. Stuffed up nose, pressure filled ears, sneezing, and a sore throat. It sucks. I don't usually get sick, but apparently I am getting sick a lot this winter. It sucks a lot.

I'm so excited for these next few weeks. The first semester is coming to an end. Which means half the school year is over. It seems like it was just yesterday that it started. Now, I can only hope the second semester goes by just as fast, especially considering I'll be adding a third AP class to my load of classes.

I'm tired.

My Optimism Was Doubted

Pardon my finding humor in this situation today, but I found it funny that my ability to have an open mind and stay hopeful was doubted today. I mean, the situation in where it was doubted was in no way funny or meant to be, but the fact that He was worried about how I may stay hopeful with an open mind made me, well, laugh. Honestly, those are some of the core characteristics that make me up. I live my life my aiming to stay optimistic - which would be another way to word being hopeful - and then I also have one of the most open minds you could find.

Now, it may seem weird, but I've come to realize something. To me, the physical aspects of a relationship are just, for a lack of better words, a bonus. The real treasure to me is the emotional connection that occurs between two people. If I don't feel that connection, if I don't feel that I can be myself and not be judged when with someone, if I feel that I judge them and don't accept them for who they are, then it just won't work. Thankfully, all of those have proven to be false when I think about when I talk with Him. And I love that so much.



I wouldn't know if I could call it, or would call it, true love, but I know if there is a shot at achieving that one day, what is a couple years? You have to give effort before you can gain the real treasure at the end. Plus, the more effort you give, the more you treasure the goal at the end.



I want to treasure Him a lot. I do right now. But I want to treasure Him even more. So, why not give more effort, right?

Back in Sync

School starts up again tomorrow. I'm actually excited for it (minus the 400 pages or so left that I have to read of The Grapes of Wrath by John Steinbeck. It makes me want to slash my wrists.) because it is like a breath of fresh air. A set schedule where you get to see all of your friends everyday, and you get to have fun while also learning and advancing further in life.

I get to cam with Josh some more today... Woo. I'm really excited for it. I really like talking with him. Except, I fail at showing emotions, so I wouldn't think he knew that. Damn my introverted self! Oh wellz. What can you do, yah know?



Oh yeah. I found a new quote that I really like from The Grapes of Wrath.

"There ain't no sin and there ain't no virtue. There's just stuff people do."

Can't You See?

Lately you have been making me feel very under appreciated, for a lack of better words. You say things that make it seem like you treasure me, but as they say, actions speak louder than words, and your actions are revealing that what you say isn't really what you believe.

I thought that maybe since in half a year, I'd be gone, we'd be spending more time together...but it seems...that time is spent with others. Maybe you'd rather be with them. I see. It pisses me off sometimes, though I don't say it. But, if you hang with others, so will I. I want to spend time with people that I will wholeheartedly miss.


As I've told everyone, there will be those I miss with my heart, those I'll know I won't see anymore, but not really miss, and then those that I don't care that I won't see them again.






I'm not sure where your standing is at the moment.

Sad, really.

A Tip of My Hat to Bush

Well, I have to give a tip of my hat to Bush and a quick clap of my hands for this one.

Parties and the Party Fouls

One of the best New Year's I can say I've ever had! First off, went to Dan's to help set up. Then I went to Bree's house for the party with the QAHS kids. First off, her neighborhood is on Narnia Drive and all the streets are named after things in that book series. For instance, Bree's road: Caspian Lane. Hahaha! I loved it. It made me laugh for a good few minutes.

Now, the party was a bit awkward at first. You know the usual, I'm-too-shy-at-first-so-I-won't-talk thing I do, but once I got over that and got used to everyone around me, I enjoyed myself a lot. Eric flirted a bunch, and I even flirted a little. But of course, I didn't notice I was doing it at the time. Plus, they were girls. Haha. Not my cup o' tea. But, I did end up leavin with three different girl's phone numbers. Megan, Morgan, and Carly, all of whom are really fun and seem to be awesome people to hang with. I told them all to hit me up sometime if they want to hang! I love meeting new people!

Now, for Dan's party. It started out as a lot of fun. When Eric and I walked in, everyone was like, "Nic and Eric! Heeeeyyyy!" And I mean, everyone. People I didn't even talk to said it. It was...surprising. I didn't think people would notice our entrance. And I decided to fuck talking with my usual crowd the entire time of the party. I wanted to talk to new people. So, I did. I talked with people I haven't seen in a while, and people I've never even talked to. I was on like, a "party high". People must've sworn that I was drunk. Ha.

Once the clock at struck midnight, the climax of the party occured. Everyone took to the streets like we were a giant flood of drunk protestors and they all blew their little horn things. Then things settled down and people eventually left Dan's (except those that were staying the night) and that is when things got...different. Not bad, but definitely not good. First off, I randomly talked with Dan's parents for a good few hours about...anything and everything really. It was really enjoyable. It made me feel a lot older for sure, but still, I really enjoy talking with Dan's parents. I love his Mom. She is awesome.

Now, for the ranting to begin. Ok, if someone says they don't love you and want to break up...A MONTH OR MORE AGO, and they still tell you that, I think they mean it. Don't go to a party, hang all over me, to distract you from them, and then cry in the back room. Seriously. Party foul. Just shut up and GTFO. I could understand you crying if they broke up with you at the party, but a month or more ago...c'mon now. I mean, maybe it is just my personality, or my ability to stay unattached from things that allow me to get over things easily, but still....enough is enough once it reaches a certain point. I care to a certain point, then I don't. Now, I'm done caring. You ask me for advice on the same thing every day, and I tell you the same thing every day. Get it through your damn thick skull. God damn. Naive.


But, anyways, yes. This New Years was good. Apparently more drama filled than I thought previously, but none of it involving me per say, so it is all good.


Damn. College is half a year away. How nice.