Just a Peek

The Portrait of a Lady. A book I thought I'd despise, like many other books that I've been forced to read. Oddly, I'm glad I am being forced to read it. I really like this book. A lot of the characters have characteristics that I personally share with them. I can relate. Sadly, some of the characteristics are ones that make the story conflicted, or make some of the characters an image of pity. One character, Ralph, describes his mind as two rooms. The first being an anteroom occupied by a band, the other, a closed off silent room that not many are invited into. Now that, I feel, describes me essentially. My mind is divided into two. One half that plays a merry tune, playing off that I'm alright and keeps people occupied enough and keeps them liking me, while the second half keeps what I really think and all of my private thoughts pent up so as no one can really see what is going on. If they stay ignorant to my private thoughts, and they are satisfied with the band that is presented with them, then all is good.

"Yes, I think I am very fond of it. But I always want to know the things one shouldn't."
"So as to do them?" asked her aunt.
"So as to choose," said Isabel.

This quick conversation between Isabel and her Aunt makes me realize, I think I am the same as Isabel in this way. I like to know what I can and can't do, that way, I can decide whether to do the right or the wrong. It is more fun to know how close you can get to the edge without quite yet stepping over it. But at the same time, it useful so you know how you can always be safe when talking with others.

Now, let me crack the doors beyond my anteroom for a bit...

I read yesterday that they are "official". They are each other's boyfriends. Jealous? Why, yes. Of course I am. I wish...I wish that was me. I wish I was in Drew's spot. Being able to be there. Being able to see Josh. Being able to just be around him. I hate feeling jealous. In fact, as many may know, I hate showing many emotions. I have a select few that I actually like portraying. Happiness....joy....things of those sort. I like to be there for others, yet hate having people there for me. I feel as though I'm a burden. I'm a person made full of hypocrisy. It is my personal dilemma. One I felt could be ignored. I still do. I will still try.

But I will admit. If Josh comes out to Otakon, and he and Drew are still together, as I've told Bonnie, I believe it will just be a friendship thing. I may want something to happen...but morally, I would be ashamed of myself if something did, as Josh is with Drew. If he is with Drew, he needs to be committed to him. That is what being with someone entails. Committment and trust above all else. I don't want to be the one to ruin that between them.

But yet...I still want something to happen. I like him. So much. What a depressing situation.


As I overheard today, "Do you know what it is like to like someone so much, but never be able to have him? Well, have you?"











Yes. I know what it is like.

I Think I'm Going to Go Sneeze Now

So, I guess I'll post a new blog today, as I am just sitting here waiting for WoW to finish installing onto my laptop. I cannot believe I'm starting it up again, as I thought I'd never do that. But, lately, I've had this crave for a good MMO. I was going to install Guild Wars as it is free to play online, but I've come to discover that many people I know play WoW. It surprised me. And, playing with people you know is always fun!

So, I'm coming down with a kind of sickness. I am going to just assume it is a head cold. Stuffed up nose, pressure filled ears, sneezing, and a sore throat. It sucks. I don't usually get sick, but apparently I am getting sick a lot this winter. It sucks a lot.

I'm so excited for these next few weeks. The first semester is coming to an end. Which means half the school year is over. It seems like it was just yesterday that it started. Now, I can only hope the second semester goes by just as fast, especially considering I'll be adding a third AP class to my load of classes.

I'm tired.

My Optimism Was Doubted

Pardon my finding humor in this situation today, but I found it funny that my ability to have an open mind and stay hopeful was doubted today. I mean, the situation in where it was doubted was in no way funny or meant to be, but the fact that He was worried about how I may stay hopeful with an open mind made me, well, laugh. Honestly, those are some of the core characteristics that make me up. I live my life my aiming to stay optimistic - which would be another way to word being hopeful - and then I also have one of the most open minds you could find.

Now, it may seem weird, but I've come to realize something. To me, the physical aspects of a relationship are just, for a lack of better words, a bonus. The real treasure to me is the emotional connection that occurs between two people. If I don't feel that connection, if I don't feel that I can be myself and not be judged when with someone, if I feel that I judge them and don't accept them for who they are, then it just won't work. Thankfully, all of those have proven to be false when I think about when I talk with Him. And I love that so much.



I wouldn't know if I could call it, or would call it, true love, but I know if there is a shot at achieving that one day, what is a couple years? You have to give effort before you can gain the real treasure at the end. Plus, the more effort you give, the more you treasure the goal at the end.



I want to treasure Him a lot. I do right now. But I want to treasure Him even more. So, why not give more effort, right?

Back in Sync

School starts up again tomorrow. I'm actually excited for it (minus the 400 pages or so left that I have to read of The Grapes of Wrath by John Steinbeck. It makes me want to slash my wrists.) because it is like a breath of fresh air. A set schedule where you get to see all of your friends everyday, and you get to have fun while also learning and advancing further in life.

I get to cam with Josh some more today... Woo. I'm really excited for it. I really like talking with him. Except, I fail at showing emotions, so I wouldn't think he knew that. Damn my introverted self! Oh wellz. What can you do, yah know?



Oh yeah. I found a new quote that I really like from The Grapes of Wrath.

"There ain't no sin and there ain't no virtue. There's just stuff people do."

Can't You See?

Lately you have been making me feel very under appreciated, for a lack of better words. You say things that make it seem like you treasure me, but as they say, actions speak louder than words, and your actions are revealing that what you say isn't really what you believe.

I thought that maybe since in half a year, I'd be gone, we'd be spending more time together...but it seems...that time is spent with others. Maybe you'd rather be with them. I see. It pisses me off sometimes, though I don't say it. But, if you hang with others, so will I. I want to spend time with people that I will wholeheartedly miss.


As I've told everyone, there will be those I miss with my heart, those I'll know I won't see anymore, but not really miss, and then those that I don't care that I won't see them again.






I'm not sure where your standing is at the moment.

Sad, really.

A Tip of My Hat to Bush

Well, I have to give a tip of my hat to Bush and a quick clap of my hands for this one.

Parties and the Party Fouls

One of the best New Year's I can say I've ever had! First off, went to Dan's to help set up. Then I went to Bree's house for the party with the QAHS kids. First off, her neighborhood is on Narnia Drive and all the streets are named after things in that book series. For instance, Bree's road: Caspian Lane. Hahaha! I loved it. It made me laugh for a good few minutes.

Now, the party was a bit awkward at first. You know the usual, I'm-too-shy-at-first-so-I-won't-talk thing I do, but once I got over that and got used to everyone around me, I enjoyed myself a lot. Eric flirted a bunch, and I even flirted a little. But of course, I didn't notice I was doing it at the time. Plus, they were girls. Haha. Not my cup o' tea. But, I did end up leavin with three different girl's phone numbers. Megan, Morgan, and Carly, all of whom are really fun and seem to be awesome people to hang with. I told them all to hit me up sometime if they want to hang! I love meeting new people!

Now, for Dan's party. It started out as a lot of fun. When Eric and I walked in, everyone was like, "Nic and Eric! Heeeeyyyy!" And I mean, everyone. People I didn't even talk to said it. It was...surprising. I didn't think people would notice our entrance. And I decided to fuck talking with my usual crowd the entire time of the party. I wanted to talk to new people. So, I did. I talked with people I haven't seen in a while, and people I've never even talked to. I was on like, a "party high". People must've sworn that I was drunk. Ha.

Once the clock at struck midnight, the climax of the party occured. Everyone took to the streets like we were a giant flood of drunk protestors and they all blew their little horn things. Then things settled down and people eventually left Dan's (except those that were staying the night) and that is when things got...different. Not bad, but definitely not good. First off, I randomly talked with Dan's parents for a good few hours about...anything and everything really. It was really enjoyable. It made me feel a lot older for sure, but still, I really enjoy talking with Dan's parents. I love his Mom. She is awesome.

Now, for the ranting to begin. Ok, if someone says they don't love you and want to break up...A MONTH OR MORE AGO, and they still tell you that, I think they mean it. Don't go to a party, hang all over me, to distract you from them, and then cry in the back room. Seriously. Party foul. Just shut up and GTFO. I could understand you crying if they broke up with you at the party, but a month or more ago...c'mon now. I mean, maybe it is just my personality, or my ability to stay unattached from things that allow me to get over things easily, but still....enough is enough once it reaches a certain point. I care to a certain point, then I don't. Now, I'm done caring. You ask me for advice on the same thing every day, and I tell you the same thing every day. Get it through your damn thick skull. God damn. Naive.


But, anyways, yes. This New Years was good. Apparently more drama filled than I thought previously, but none of it involving me per say, so it is all good.


Damn. College is half a year away. How nice.