Train Rides and A Heart in the Shape of a Question Mark

I think today's post will end up being a two-parter....

Christmas. A checkpoint for every year. I use this year to remind me how different every year is from the next. This one is especially different though. Last year, it was chaotic this time of year. My parents were just separating, fighting was abundant in the family, and no one got along with one another. Throughout the year, it was no less chaotic. I felt like I was leaving one life and entering another. Hopping off of one train, only about to board the next. Crazy as this year was, I would not have asked it to be any other way. Amid the chaos, life lessons, new outlooks, new friends, and a better life was found. Relationships have bettered, others have soured (though those ones weren't worth saving), and new ones have developed.

And now, this year, I'm yet again stepping off of one train, and right now, as I type, I'm walking down the platform getting ready to board the next.

Though the platform may be long, it is shorter than it may seem, and the train ride will be even shorter once I have boarded it.


I confuse myself. I tell myself that I don't care and that it doesn't phase me. But, I guess deep down, it does...a lot. I woke up at 3 A.M. this morning and saw that I had a text from him. It was incredibly unexpected. And he was saddened that I hadn't tried to text him. At first, I was pissed. I mean...seriously?! I had been the one who texted first, who called first, who always tried to start a conversation. While he never texted first, said he "tried" to call (but I never had any missed calls or anything of the sort), and when I did text and tried to talk, I'd get only one reply back. Nothing close to a "conversation" or anything of that sort. Of course, me being myself, I couldn't bring myself to be mean and just release it all when he said, "We need to talk more." I wanted to just say, "NO SHIT. But, you do realize, it takes two to have a conversation, no?" But, I didn't. I couldn't. Damn my personality. I just stated that was he said was true, and that I tried to talk to him, but I wouldn't get much of a reply, so I just gave up trying.
I did realize that the hand which I left for them to grasp had been taken a hold of. Or, at least, if they haven't grasped it yet, they are starting to walk towards it. An effort. That is all I can ask for right now. Not much else. And I appreciate the effort. Sometimes, I feel like I wear my heart on my sleeve; it is easy for others to see, but it is also easy for them to wipe away.

Ironically, I wouldn't want it any other way.