Overcoming One Battle, Only to Begin Another, With the Best Party Any RPG Could Offer

So, quite a bit has happened since my last post. The antagonist of this chapter of life has been defeated. I graduated from high school! I attained the diploma which was the key that allowed me to advance the story line of my life.

As I move on, I realize that like most RPGs, through the first part of my schooling adventures, I stumbled upon party members that bring their own abilities, personalities, and quirkiness to the table. And I also realized that as I go into the other half of my schooling, though not all of my party members will be available for use at all times, I will not be losing any at all. In fact, I do believe that only potential for this man's party is to keep growing. Experience abounds and I am all for grinding and power leveling so I can be sure that I can overcome any boss battle that my friends and I may encounter.

Secondly, I've also fallen. I met someone named Mic, became close with him, and viola! we are together. It seems so right; it is so right. I've never felt so calm, so at ease, so...me, around someone who I'm with. I feel as though I can do no wrong with him, and he can do no wrong in my eyes. He is so sweet, so caring, so himself. He is true to himself and tries not to let anyone get in his way.


I believe we have a Yuna and Tidus relationship cropping up here.

A Brief Rest for a Weary Traveler

We are two different people. We love one another. But, at the same time, this love...this love...this love....is better left for later days. Right now, we are two different people, at two different places in our lives, at two different levels, but all these lead to the one conclusion that it won't work. It wouldn't work.

This is the best thing for us. This is the best thing for us. This is the best thing for us.

Repeat it enough, and you will convince yourself of it. Or so I shall like to believe. Persuade ones self to believe in this false truth, and soon, the falseness of the truth will soon become real and no longer shall it be truth, but rather, Truth.

And though I know some people may not be approving, or happy with, or will become angry with me for liking another so soon...I cannot help but be who I may be.

I become attached to people quickly, and will remain so until given reason not to be. I was given that reason three times before, and I kept trying to play dumb and let that reason slide, as though it wasn't there. It was there. Always there; never gone; a lingering shadow of toxin soon to impede upon my dream. It struck at the worst possible time, and yet, at the best. It was the dividing line. To hold on to a dream that may never work out into a reality, or to pursue a new reality altogether that may retain a treasure to delve for in the end.

But, I have become sidetracked it seems, as though I quickly become attached, I can become unattached equally as fast. Never completely mind you, as there is always that little place for someone in my heart. It shrinks, but is never gone. As though a tree has devolved and receded into its seed, waiting to see if it will be watered ever again.

It's just that after such a long, wearisome journey, I threw up my arms and gave up. At that point, that wonderful, refreshing air came through, brushing back my hair and imparting upon me the wisdom and knowledge that lead me to do what was so very hard for me to do. I said things that wrenched my heart. I am sad. But I had my mourning period. I am me, which means that I will have my time to be sad about something, but I realize that I cannot just let my life stop due to it, as life won't stop for me. I need to keep my head up and keep moving on. Always.


Roads cross and split. Roads are seemingly endless, until that sudden stop. Along that seemingly endless stretch of hardship, two separate paths may touch, intertwine, or never touch at all. Who knows how things will turn out? Roads themselves are moving. Always moving. Always.



"Sometime when you least expect it, you’ll realize that someone loved you, and that means someone can love you again. And that’ll make you smile."
-Homer Simpson

Easy, Yet Not So Much

On again, off again. Getting back on, falling back off. And now, a perfect median that allows one to become comfortable with getting on.

And this allows me to be enjoying life, as usual, but just...in an easier way, I'd guess I could say.

Together, but not. Visible, yet unseen. Liked, but not. Ironically, the way things are fit me perfectly. I like things predictable, but not. Simple, yet complex.



Sadly, I can only think about how much I like him...love him...I don't know. I think one day I shall say those words to him.





Is it me, or has there been a shift in people? I see some who usually have a grasp on things, losing it, and those who I've missed, coming back to me, among other things. All in all, it is a positive thing, but as with all things, there is that shadow. With the positive, negative tails along.


Hopefully the sun is high in the sky, and the shadow is minuscule at best.

Here Comes the Downpour

Time to get over him, I suppose. No point in hoping for what never shall be. He messed it up before, many times, so I figured that if he really wanted it to work, he'd fix his mistakes. But I guess not. So I'll just take the safer route and get out of this dangerous cycle when I can.

Visiting Drexel just reassured me that this is the college for me. I cannot wait.

And I also decided that I shall be a "relationship hermit" in college. I just want to have fun and not have any kind of hookups or relationships in college. Just study and have fun with everything.


Time for a walk in the thunderstorm.

In The Clouds, Where Time Really Looks Endless

I hate to talk about the future, as I know it is something undetermined, and yet, I wonder, is it written in the strands of time? Is the future really undetermined, or is it really all set out for us to fulfill, and it is only seen as a mystery to us because the normal person can't see that far into the future to solve the mystery?

Many things in life are deemed inevitable. Many things aren't really as inevitable as some would suggest or perceive. Growing up and dying. Two of the only inevitable events or occurrences that really happen through life. All that matters is how you deal with them.

Going through the whole growing up and out into another realm of life is disheartening, exciting, and tiring. Who knew something could be so filled with so many different things?




I must admit, I am one of those who would be excited for high school reunions. I want to see how everyone has changed and grown up. See how they tackled the inevitable challenge. See who was overcome by the challenge, and who overcame it.



Sometimes, I feel dumb for dreaming. And yet, I feel comfort in those dreams full of fiction. Why must I be so dumb as to wish for things such as this. Even I, the Dreamer, do not fully know. Though, the lack of comprehending, may not be such a bad thing.

Tumbling Views of Silence

"I feel that I am flawed if I have a gay child."

I don't understand how one can be a parent and say that honestly. Especially since my Mother was the one who stated such. Tomorrow, mother and I are having a chat. Time for me to be firm and harsh. I predict she won't like the conversation, but I'm going to love it.

Day of Silence is coming up. The 17th. Participating? Why yes I am. Silence, wearing red, and doing it all. Woo.

Inside emotions still a tumble weed, tumbling round and round.

Not in the mood to write a long blog.

Short and sweet tonight.

Just Set Me On Fire

I hate my feelings.


I hate knowing I'll like them no matter what they do.




Life sucks.




Well....



For the most part anyways.

My Treat To Myself

I love walking in the rain.

Especially at 11:30 PM with one of your best friends.

Going from the glow of a lamp post and seeing the constant, slight drizzle slowly falling to the Earth, then continuing on to the darkness between lamp posts and seeing nothing, just feeling the water hit your skin. Then later reemerging into another luminous streak from the lamps and being able to see again.



Walks in the rain - my treat to myself.

As The Head Hits The Pillow

I recall that one day I read somewhere that dreams present to ones' self what their greatest desire, their most agonizing fears, and their most pondered about thoughts or feelings are.

I generally don't dream, or in any case remember what I dream, which is quite alright with me. I don't really like to know the aforementioned things that dreams can portray. But, on the other hand, I do like dreams for showing me those as well.

The other day I dreamt about college. I realized how much I love my friends, and how glad and honored I am to be best friends with every single one, especially one that has been friends with me since my chapter titled Maryland was started to be written. Thankfully, that character will continue onto the next chapter, Philadelphia, with the protagonist. I treasure him. And I cannot imagine how horrid of a chapter Maryland would've been without him, and how bland Philadelphia would've soon been if it wasn't for him.

Now, today I went on a date/hangout with Z. Awkward. Awkward. Awkward. Not much conversing went on. I would try to bring up a topic, but it was hastily cut down by a quick, "Yeah." Nothing after that. Silence. Z may have been nervous, but nonetheless, it made me feel awkward. And it continued on like that for a good couple of hours. First I had to drive out an hour to pick him up, after getting lost mind you, and then this. I was a bit disappointed, but what can you do? I enjoyed the time as best as I could, but wasn't too sad when the next hour of driving home came around. This did help me decide that we will be friends. No more.









And as I dreamt, I walked besides him and smiled. I grabbed my bags and looked around towards the city and the college itself. I threw my free arm around his shoulder and continued on, while turning and jubilantly saying, "Thank you. For being here. For being my friend. I love you as if you were my own flesh and blood. In fact, you are. Now, how about it brother? Shall we conquer Philadelphia as well?" He and I walked off and entered the light-filled doors to our dormitory.

I'll Take One

Ok. Seriously. When I get older I want to have one of these as my pad in Seattle. I absolutely love the metallic, industrial look for homes. And it is environmental friendly. How much cooler could that get?

I'm in love with these homes.

It Hurt So Good

So, the third time isn't always the charm as it seems. Or is it? It taught me things, and that is in itself a charm, is it not?

Today, I've been bitch slapped by reality. Twice. Yet, I still remain my optimistic attitude, which is all I ask to retain in situations such as this. Today, in third period, the student who sits across from me came in today and plopped himself down, sighed and exclaimed aloud, "Ah! Only ten more weeks until graduation!" I don't know why, I can't explain why, but hearing that from him made me realize...it really is only ten short weeks away. That may seem like forever, but it really isn't. Not at all. In reality, it is a very short time span. I knew this was coming, but for some odd reason, hearing the other student say it made me comprehend the situation.

Secondly, when I got home I received the mail and noticed I got back the form from Drexel that stated how much money in Financial Aid I would receive. About 20k in all. Seems like a lot, but that still leaves me approximately 30k left over. So my Mom started to stress, and like usual, started to blame others and yell about it. She yelled at me for apparently not caring about scholarships at all, even though I've done all I can. I'm just waiting on the school to give me a large amount of forms back so I can finally progress further. They take their sweet, sweet time. Sadly.

Onto the next topic: the next book AP Lit. is requiring us to read. I oddly have liked this book since we started on page one. This book is A Passage to India. So, expect quotes in the future from this source now.


Oh wait. No need to wait! Here is one now! And as morbid as this may sound, I want this on my tombstone.

Alas, without me for thousands of years
The Rose will blossom and the Spring will bloom,
But those who have secretely understood my heart --
They will approach and visit the grave where I lie.



And for fun, another random quote I quite enjoy:

"Hope is a state of mind, not of the world. Hope, in this deep and powerful sense, is not the same as joy that things are going well, or willingness to invest in enterprises that are obviously heading for success, but rather an ability to work for something because it is good."

Vaclav Havel

Watching for the Small Things

Today, though normality was strewn throughout most of the day, I felt rather enlightened from my AP Literature class. Now, I usually tend to get tired in this class, but today I was oddly awake, and it seems, as they say, everything happens for a reason. Since I was so awake, I was about to listen in on the conversation/lecture that my teacher was holding with a student, but as well as the class in general.

My teacher was telling us how she and a friend of hers were discussing society and how it is today. She believed that society today is busy, but is almost too busy. Since people are children, their lives are filled with activities day to day, hour to hour, and that they grow accustomed to that. But with that, people lose the time they would usually have to allow self-reflection. My teacher saw that as a sad thing. And I would agree. I agreed with a lot that she said earlier this day, and I realized, that this moment, this time, when I sit here and write this out is my time of self-reflection. My time where I walk through the city of my thoughts and notice the little things and appreciate all that is around me, rather than just always being on the go, going through the motions.

I am envious, and in awe, of my teacher sometimes. She may be a bit quirky, but aren't all people in one way or another? She is able to see so deeply into the smallest of things with such ease, she contemplates things and grasps so much out of life, and she seems to treasure one's sense of self and the acceptance of ourselves and each other. For that, I envy her. She is what I strive to mirror. I don't want to be a clone, a copy of any sort, but I want to be able to view the world as she does in a sense.

I guess that our elders do have wisdom to share, and thankfully, my teacher's wisdom is one of acceptance rather than that of the stereotypical judging and condemning.




Now, to add to this, I ironically had to write an essay in this class on appearances and how they really aren't that important, and once a person pushes their worry about appearances to the side and focus on just making sure that their core selves is what really shines, that person can finally attain happiness. They will be optimistic versus being pessimistic.

I just found it ironic that that was the subject of our prompt, as appearances and the opinions of others was mentioned in the entry before this.


And now for two quotes I quite like:

"The closer you get to someone, something, some brand, some organization… the harder it is to demonize it, objectify it or hate it. So, if you want to not be hated, open up. Let people in. Engage. Interact."
-Seth Godin

"You can’t live a perfect day without doing something for someone who will never be able to repay you. ”
-John Wooden

Compartment For Your Thoughts?

Where to begin this blog? I haven't a clue. Let me organize my thoughts.........thoughts - organized.

Well...in one sense or another.

So, let's see. Now I am not single, which is nice, considering that the person I am with I missed a lot and they said the same about me. But, sometimes, I wish...I wish I could be like other couples. Like, you know, the "normal" hetero couples. People don't mind seeing them holding hands, or squeezing their shoulder out of affection, or hugging them, or kissing. But once a same-sex couple does...everything goes to hell. And so thus, the person I am with who isn't exactly comfortable with being himself is very secretive about us. Now, I understand why and I feel for him. I know why he is acts the way he does, but sometimes it is just hard. Being back with him and not being able to express how happy I am with him and how I feel about him to others...it is so depressing at some points. I look at others who can openly do that, and I feel sad. I wish I could do that. But I can't. I feel as though sometimes, I'm being dragged into a closet that isn't mine, but someone else's.

I guess the good thing is, I'd rather be in that closet with him then be out of it without him. I'll just have to help him open the door little by little.



Now, for another subject. I talked with Amanda a while ago and she brought up Josh and Drew. A subject we haven't talked about for a while. Which is funny, because Josh thought we talked a lot about him, or something along those lines. Quite the contrary my friend. I also seemed to hear that Drew reads this blog. Which is funny...yet quite creepy as well, seeing as the most conversation I have ever had with this person is a few small talk conversations on WoW. Not anything that solidifies a "friendship" of any kind. So, in my opinion, he reading this on a daily basis is a bit creepy, but then again, it is on the Internet.
So, if you read this Drew, I do think it is kind of creepy that you read this. But at the same time, it is whatever.


Today was the last day of the musical. It 'twas a nice time being part of it. A tad bit sad knowing that this is the last high school musical I can ever be an official part of as a high school student with my friends. But, it was all good. A bit of off-stage drama occurred between parents, students, and the director, all of which I believe was completely unnecessary and ridiculous. But maybe that was because I was able to see both sides to all parts of the problem, instead of being tunnel visioned and agreeing with only one side.


Ugh.


He turned to me as I tried to fall asleep next to him and he said in a soft voice, "I missed you." And I realized there and then, why I fell for him before, and why I shall always fall for him, no matter how much happens between us.

Take Three

Third times a charm, as they say.


I wonder now, is it really, or shall it just be another thing that will blow up in my face and my so called life.






Well, in any case, the explosion may be quite the sight.

Do I Let the Dust Gather or Shall I Brush It Off and Try Anew?

Yesterday an ex (twice-over) revealed to me that he still has feelings for me, and that he was hoping something could happen between us again. This split me from the inside. I had managed to ignore my feelings for him so well. I shoved it so far down in my mind that it was barely able to be seen. But it reemerged. At the same time, I sat there and fought against it. I shoved the feelings back. They belonged in that darkened corner. Or did they? That was my most recent debacle.

So as for our conversation, it went along the lines of he saying he liked me, me admitting I still really liked him, but was afraid of anything to happen, due to the past two attempts, and then...that was all. We threw that we liked each other still out into the air and left them hanging there. Doing...nothing. Perfect. Gives he and I to think things out. I relinquished the excitement things like this brought and settled for a peaceful, boring year because that is all I want. Just a plain, easy-going year. But I got a taste of the excitement. Do I wish to indulge more, or leave it as just a sample? I sit and ponder these two decisions and so far my actions have led to this course of action:


Do nothing.



Nothing.

Cold, Beautiful Reflections

Reflecting on what has past, and what is happening now. The past is the past, and thus it should stay there. Or that is my opinion on the subject anyways. Sometimes I may wish for the past to become present, but that will never happen. Unless. You try to mold the present to be as close to the past as possible. Nothing is ever an exact copy. Not that it may be a bad thing, as a little differences here and there is a good way to switch things up.

As reflecting on the present is concerned: I stated before I am a person made up of hypocrisy. That still remains, but I wish to lower the amount of hypocrisy held in me. I realized that I hate when people judge others, but I've been doing that recently. I don't judge my close friends. But, I did judge people trying to get to know me, or have done me wrong in the past. I decided to throw that up in the air and continue on, a clean slate now is what I hold, if you will. I attained that slate a week or so ago.

Josh and I don't talk now. He got angry with me because he was pushing me to tell him things a friend confided into me, which is against my morals, mind you. I told him so, and he said that the situation between he and his friend was more important that my morals and that I was being selfish or prideful for not telling him. I wished to stay out of the situation as much as possible. I felt that the situation was meant to be a private one between Josh and Amanda, not Josh, Amanda, and I. I will digress, I was in the situation just because she confided in me, but I wished to stay as close to the edge as possible. Josh was making that hard and I told him so, but he just continued saying I was selfish and that I needed to grow up. Then he said we shouldn't be friends and should stop talking. I laughed at the whole conversation between us because it was so immature. I attempted to take the high road, but Josh kept burning the bridges I needed to cross, until he finally burned the one between us. Life moves on though. The good in this situation, though the friendship between Josh and I didn't turn out quite as expected, I became good friends with Amanda. Everything happens for a reason.


And now I'm sick and it is snowing outside. Perfect combination, as school is canceled tomorrow. Now I can sit back and relax. Time to heal up. Throw a lesser heal upon me priest, please.

Increasing the Opacity on that Facade

So it seems Josh wasn't cracked up to be all he said. He had a facade. He covered his true thoughts and feelings to make it seem like he was being honest to me, while not being so. I think I saw this, but refused to admit to it.

After all of the shit he has done, I remained okay. I didn't really care enough to be angry over things. But, the Valentine's Day gifts that I sent were another. I really put effort into to trying to make them special. Really. I did.

Now I find out that Josh felt bad about them because they were from me and not his ex Drew. A-hole. A-hole. A-hole. Well, that is cool.

I'm angry. But I will be over it tomorrow.


I did realize a few things though.

One: I don't want to talk to him anymore.

Two: I am glad I did talk with him though, because now I'm really good friends with his friend Amanda. She is so awesome.

Covering

Covering: The Hidden Assault on Our Civil Rights. Now that the reading of The Portrait of a Lady has concluded, I have started to read my latest find on Amazon. This book has enthralled me, and yet, I am only a meager thirty pages in.

The book's main subject is about American's civil rights and how they are being suppressed. Individuals need to suppress their true selves so that they can fit into the "mainstream" of society.

They "cover" their true selves.

This book makes me think about myself, my experiences, my thoughts about different situations. I can relate to this book; I had since page one. It drew me in and isn't letting go, partly because I don't want it to.

It inspires; it reveals truths; it encourages.


I love it. If you ever need a book to read, pick this up. Definitely worth it.

Resolve

I don't understand what you think. Your resolve wavers, and that makes my belief in you waver as well.

I think you deny things to yourself, as those around you can see things that you apparently do not. Honestly, it does nothing but make me feel cruddy inside.


But, now that that is off my chest, I can be happy again.



Life is too short to focus on the bad. Focus on the good. Life will seem longer and more pleasant that way.

An Unfamiliar, Yet Familiar, Scent

Yesterday was great. Valentine's Day. Usually, in my opinion, one of the most useless, if not depressing, holidays humans could whip up. But this year was different. Amanda, Josh, Dan, Eric, and I all sat down together on the web cam and opened the boxes we shipped to one another.

Though the gifts I sent were meager, in my opinion, they meant a lot to me, so I hope they meant a lot to Josh. I hope with all my heart he really liked them. I know what he sent me meant a lot to. He sent me a plushie of L, a character from the anime Death Note, a card that I absolutely adored, and a plastic ring, which I wear every chance I have, might I add. Better yet, the L plushie was sprayed with Josh's cologne. His scent. It smelled so good.

When I first took a whiff of the doll, it was odd. The scent. It was so new, something I haven't smelled before, but at the same time, it seemed so normal to me. Like I have been around that smell before...like I was used to it. I didn't know why I felt like that, as I haven't been around that smell before...but...I think it is because it was Josh's scent that my brain smelt the scent, and triggered the thoughts of Josh and how comfortable I am talking to him, and thus made me feel comfortable with the scent...as though I was familiar with it.

And I must digress, I was also a bit jealous before and after the camera session. Josh went to breakfast with Drew and then dinner as well on Valentine's Day. I wish I could've taken Josh to dinner. I was jealous.

Oh! That actually reminds me, I have yet another quote from A Portrait of a Lady that goes along with this topic.

"Jealousy, after all, was in a sense one of the symptoms of happiness."