Car Rides

Today. Undescribable. Let's see, I guess I'll start from the beginning. Where else best to start, than where it would all make sense to you, the reader.

12:00 A.M. - Hanging with Dan at his house. All is good. I'm having a great time. Dan ends up going to sleep and I'm sitting there playing Fallout and then out of no where, Josh calls. I talked with him for a good hour. It was really nice. He can be very imaginative and naive in some of his ideas and wants in life, but though it can seem very unrealistic, I think it is good to have those thoughts on occasion. Without those thoughts, where would anyone be these days? You need something just so unrealistic to keep you going, so you can try to make that a reality.

Later on that day, around 12:30 PM. I headed out and went home. I had to change, and get ready to go to the Inner Harbour with Bonnie and Marcus. That was fun. A bit awkward at times, as when you talk with Marcus, you'll bring up a topic of conversation and he'll say one thing about it and that's it. Doesn't really give you much to go off of and makes the conversation drive into a ditch. Nonetheless, it was fun.

But, now, what really made this day undescribable would be the car rides. On the way to meet up with Marcus, Bonnie and I had a really good discussion about family. She opened up, I opened up. It was nice. But...I realized how much I'll miss my family. Though, who I would miss the most surprised me. My brother.

Now, why did it surprise me you may wonder. Well, I'm closer with my Mom and Elle. Luc can be really annoying, but I love him nonetheless. So I expected to miss my Mom or Elle. Of course I would miss Luc, but I didn't expect to miss him as much. But, internally, my heart told me I'd miss Luc the most. And I know why. I love him so much, and I am afraid...afraid that he will be lonely without me. I'm like his best friend. I try to be there for him when he needs me to be, and he doesn't go out much as his friends are a decent ways away. I play with him and am just...his friend. I worry that when I leave he won't be happy. And I don't want that. I want him to be happy. That is all I want. I want everyone to be happy after I leave. Maybe not when I leave, but after I'm gone, they should be happy. And god damn will I miss them. But, I don't want to leave Luc unhappy. It breaks my heart thinking about him being unhapppy due to my abscence.

Now Bonnie may not realize this, but as we drove to meet Marcus...discussing this with her...I started to cry. I don't ever cry about anything, but I feel so strongly about this that I started to tear up. I held it in thank god. And thankfully I had sunglasses on to keep everything disguised. I find it funny that I try not to allow myself to cry in front of anyone, and the one time I lose control, I ended up being able to hide it. Irony at its best?

Now, as the day concluded and I dropped Bonnie off at her house, on my drive home I couldn't not think about this. I drove him and blasted the music. Tried to do anything to get my mind off of it. I couldn't. I ended up breaking down on the way home. It is hard to drive home when it seems as though it is raining inside your car, messing with your view. But I made it home...and just sat in my driveway. I admit, I weeped for a while. I cry as I write this. But, besides that, I sat in the driveway until I was able to collect myself and wait until the redness subsided. Then I put on my happy face and pretended nothing was wrong.




As I walked up to my room and saw my brother playing on my 360 and turning to me smiling, I looked upon him with a different view than before. I smiled and acted like I usually would, but thought differently about him.






God damn. I love the kid.