Just a Peek

The Portrait of a Lady. A book I thought I'd despise, like many other books that I've been forced to read. Oddly, I'm glad I am being forced to read it. I really like this book. A lot of the characters have characteristics that I personally share with them. I can relate. Sadly, some of the characteristics are ones that make the story conflicted, or make some of the characters an image of pity. One character, Ralph, describes his mind as two rooms. The first being an anteroom occupied by a band, the other, a closed off silent room that not many are invited into. Now that, I feel, describes me essentially. My mind is divided into two. One half that plays a merry tune, playing off that I'm alright and keeps people occupied enough and keeps them liking me, while the second half keeps what I really think and all of my private thoughts pent up so as no one can really see what is going on. If they stay ignorant to my private thoughts, and they are satisfied with the band that is presented with them, then all is good.

"Yes, I think I am very fond of it. But I always want to know the things one shouldn't."
"So as to do them?" asked her aunt.
"So as to choose," said Isabel.

This quick conversation between Isabel and her Aunt makes me realize, I think I am the same as Isabel in this way. I like to know what I can and can't do, that way, I can decide whether to do the right or the wrong. It is more fun to know how close you can get to the edge without quite yet stepping over it. But at the same time, it useful so you know how you can always be safe when talking with others.

Now, let me crack the doors beyond my anteroom for a bit...

I read yesterday that they are "official". They are each other's boyfriends. Jealous? Why, yes. Of course I am. I wish...I wish that was me. I wish I was in Drew's spot. Being able to be there. Being able to see Josh. Being able to just be around him. I hate feeling jealous. In fact, as many may know, I hate showing many emotions. I have a select few that I actually like portraying. Happiness....joy....things of those sort. I like to be there for others, yet hate having people there for me. I feel as though I'm a burden. I'm a person made full of hypocrisy. It is my personal dilemma. One I felt could be ignored. I still do. I will still try.

But I will admit. If Josh comes out to Otakon, and he and Drew are still together, as I've told Bonnie, I believe it will just be a friendship thing. I may want something to happen...but morally, I would be ashamed of myself if something did, as Josh is with Drew. If he is with Drew, he needs to be committed to him. That is what being with someone entails. Committment and trust above all else. I don't want to be the one to ruin that between them.

But yet...I still want something to happen. I like him. So much. What a depressing situation.


As I overheard today, "Do you know what it is like to like someone so much, but never be able to have him? Well, have you?"











Yes. I know what it is like.